Pick Up Lines

Imagine this: You’re at a bar enjoying some gluten-free beer (I’ve only heard awful things about it) with a few friends finishing up some splendidly super scorching wings (splendidly super scorching is the name of my homemade sauce) and you realize that the gluten-free beer you just had has made a trip to the restroom become a vital neccessity. So you head over to the bathroom do what you have to do and on the way out you notice some cute girl at the bar. So you scamper back into the bathroom and debate what the proper thing to say to this lovely lady. After a brief moment of staring at yourself in the mirror and thinking there is no way his cute girl will talk to you, you begin chewing a piece of spearmint gum (they didn’t have the gum you usually chew at 7-11) and that gum gives you an extra boost of confidence for some reason. So you head out of the bathroom and you approach the young lady at the bar. And you say…

That’s where the problem really begins. Guys don’t know what to say to girls. They don’t know the proper pick up-lines. Now, being a pro at picking up ladies (ladies is my name for my dandelion collection) I figure I should let everyone else in on the wisdom of being suave around a female that has caught your eye. Lets begin, shall we?

Hey toots, you’re the finest dame I’ve seen in this dump. What say you and I get out of here and hit up Chi-Chis.

This is a great way to show that you mean business. Honestly, if a guy came up to me and called me toots and said I was a fine dame even I would consider hearing him out. The other beauty of this is that you can be at a wonderful upscale local and still call it a dump, implying that you are really upscale. And honestly, what’s more upscale than Chi Chis? Case closed.

Hi. You don’t know me but I’m you destiny.

I may have stolen this from Back to the Future (in a butchered way) but it still works. I mean, it worked for George Mcfly and he was a complete loser. It would clearly work for a confident fella like yourself. It would also help if you have a friend who can assume the role of Biff. Not only do you get the girl, but you also get to punch out your friend. Win win!

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together. So we could spend time together. On a date.

It’s a bit long winded but your timidness will do wonders. She’ll think, my goodness this guy is a jerk with an unoriginal pick-up line and then BAM. He get’s kind of cute. Even if she doesn’t go for the idea of a date you’ll get her to smile. And at the end of the day aren’t smiles the real meaning of life?

I have tickets to that thing you really wanna do. Would you like to go?

Fact is, you most likely don’t have tickets to that thing she wants to do (unless it’s a puggle fashion show) so you’ll have to be ready to think on your feet and get a hold of the tickets to what she wants. Of course, you could always just say that you’ve experienced whatever it is that she wants to do and you thought it was really awful. In fact, everyone you’ve talked to said the same thing. That’s when you produce your tickets to the aformentioned puggle fashion show and say that everyone has said it’s basically like going to see the Sistine Chapel, Stone Henge, and Taylor Swift all at once. She’ll have to want to see that. And you know, most good relationships start based on lies, right?

Hey. You hear about how Al Roker, you know…

Hopefully she doesn’t know. This is your in. You now get to talk about how Al Roker shit himself at the White House. If that story doesn’t spell romance than I don’t know what does.

Of course, it should also be noted that maybe after you head out of the bathroom you realize you don’t have the courage to go talk to the girl that caught your eye. If that’s the case you should probably go back to your seat with your friends and instead of drinking terrible beer start doing shots. Maybe of Bacardi 151. Girls love sloppy drunks.


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