Archive for November, 2011

Thanks On Thanksgiving (or the day after)

November 26, 2011

So yesterday was Thanksgiving. I woke up from a Wednesday night where I hardly slept at all (maybe an hour or so) and got ready to go to work. Doesn’t that sound like it sucked?

Well, it didn’t and doesn’t. I guess the not sleeping thing did/does, but everything else was fine. See, I woke up (or tossed an turned) in a comfortable bed in a comfortable room in a comfortable home. I went to my job, earned money, and got to spend time with friends who I care about (and who care about me) as if they’re family. When I left work I went home to a house full of family and food.

There’s so much to be thankful for. I feel so incredibly blessed. I really hope you do too. I hope your Thanksgiving was just as great.

Questions That Keep You Up At Night*

November 12, 2011

*This was the title of a book I saw at a Barnes and Noble the other night. The questions hidden within seemed to stretch the liklihood of you staying up. Take for instance the question, how many heart beats can the human heart handle before it gives up?

If I’m thinking this at night I’m wondering if maybe my heart has met it’s limit and now it’s lights out for Keithyboy. Well, luckily for you they never answer the question in the book. Well, not with any realy clarity. Basically it said that you we can’t tell you how many thuds a heart makes before it kicks off because there is no number. Or, more so, it can happen whenever. Which in a way, yeah, makes me freak out a little more than the original answer I was hoping to receive.

But then there was questions like “are cats smarter than dogs?”

Yes. I am guilty. I have been kept up hours throwing this incredibly dumb question back and forth in my obviously stupid mind. Why in the fucking world would this question keep you up at night? It seems like something that you would be able to catch up on in the morning. As far as I’m concerned I don’t thnk they’ll be much genetic differences in the animals when you wake up in 8 (but you’re excited so we’ll say 6) hours. So your fascination in this asinine question which no really cares about will still be in its prime and ready to go when you roll out of your probably wonderful bed because people must get paid a lot to find this shit out and worry about matters as intense as these.

Basically, don’t buy this book. It’s dumb. I’m pretty sure it might already be gone (there were two left in the bargain section of the store). If it happens to get rediscovered by some dumb day time TV host don’t buy. There are much more puzzling books where you really need to weigh your choices. There are scenarios to chose from. Questions that would probably make you stay up at night. ex: You are charged to kidnapp the daughter of promninent senator. If you do this you will be rewarded handsomely for your participation. However, if you elect to not kndnapp the little girl than you’ll life wil be put in more frequent danger and you will lose at least half of you life savings. Which do you pick?

Real questions meant to bend the mind, like, Miley Cyrus will do you but only if you also do justin bieber. Do you do one and suffer through the other or simply abfrain from the incredibly wonderful Cyrus Bieber sex.

Qustions like these will destroy any of those other questions that are floating around in bullshitt books aimed at just making a profit. My book aims to make a super profit. And that’s that. See it on sheleves sometime by the late holiday season.

To The Three Angry Guys At Walmart

November 10, 2011

I was at Walmart tonight, everyone’s favorite well priced hell, when three males walked by me angrily. I’m not sure what they were angry about, possibly the whole firing of Joe Paterno (I know I am), but boy were they were mad. Especially one of the fellas. He was using cuss words left and right and the other guy was trying to calm him down while the other guy was looking at blouses (possibly for his lady but more likely for his friday club nights).

So I just felt the need, as a concerned citizen, to let him know that everything is going to be alright. Life is full of things that make you angry and it’s OK to get a bit testy, but don’t get caught up on it. It could be worse. You could be stuck on a long line at I don’t know, Walmart, surrounded by three angry guys who look like they want to punch you in the mouth just because you’re there.

Things To Tell People When You’re Limping

November 8, 2011

Unfortunately (or fortunately if you don’t like me) I’ve developed an adorable limp because of a fun medical condition I have that I don’t write about on here because, well, it’d probably bore you. But seeing that I have been struck with this temporary ailment, I might as well make light of it. So, here’s a few ideas of things you can tell people when they ask you why you’re limping.

You can say:

 “God bless us everyone. But not me. I have a fucking limp.”

“Think this is bad? You should see the other guy.”

“Penn State Football Camp wasn’ nearly as much fun as I thought it’d be.”

“Chris Hansen called out sick that night.”

“My leg is made of chocolate and it’s kind of warm out today.”

“I’m just looking for that sympathy sex.”

“I’m just looking to see who would sleep with a gimp.”

“One minute you’re hanging with Ghaddafi and the next…”

“Bear trap.”

“Flo from the Progressive commercials can be  areal bitch.”

“Tonya Harding really wanted to win.”

“Another bear trap.”

“It could be worse. I could be dead.”

It’d work best if you looked very serious after you say these things only to smile after a few moments. You know, so you don’t come off looking really bad. Maybe odd, but fun odd.