Things I’ve Learned From Haunted Houses

This October I’ve found myself at several (meaning four) haunted houses (though none of them were in a house and one of them was just a smelly Denny’s with an out of order restroom. So I’ve really just been to three). You might not think there is much that a person can learn from going to a haunted ouse. Sure you could possibly learn to deal with some of your deepest fears in a relatively safe enviorment (I say relatively because I’m pretty sure I tripped several times), but that’s pretty much it. Well, I’d have to disagree with you if you feel that way because I learned quite a few things from my ventures into these dark, bloody, howling places.

The first thing I learned is that some people suck. OK. I already knew this, but one experience just solidified my beliefs. Using my logic that every emotion a person feels is felt because of the polar opposite emotion (I wrote about this and you should probably sift through my archives to find it so you know what I mean) my being annoyed at these people was because my previous experiences at attractions of this ilk weren’t filled with people who really suck. I’m not sure why people behave certain ways sometimes, but if you ever find yourself at a haunted house where you’re with people you don’t know, be courteous. It’s really not that hard to not be an asshole. So, you know, don’t be one.

The ghosts, clowns, psych patients, crazed butchers and the rest of the inhabitants of these dreary structures are actually just poorly paid actors who need the money to  cover their foolish decision to buy that enviornmentally friendly car. Yes, when you go to these places you suspend belief, but if you get scared it’s good to remember what they really are: drama majors.

If you run from the aformentioned people they’ll run after you. Which is why when you get scared you should probably stay completely still. No one will harm you if you just stop moving (this is my T-Rex theory). I would say you should go to Camden New Jersey and take a walk late at night to test my my idea, but I don’t want the legal trouble. Kinkos messed up my consent forms.

You should probably pee before you go to a haunted house. There’s two reasons why I’vecome to this conclusion and they’re both fairly obvious reasons. The first being that you don’t want to piss yourself when some guy in a mask (my neighbor Phil) pops out from behind an oddly placed piece of dry wall in a dimly lit room. The other reason is that if you go to a haunted house you’ll probably have to wait on line for a while. I imagine wetting yourself before you even go into the building is a pretty embarassing time (just ask Phil).

So there a few things you should consider before you go venture off to get scared. I apologize to anyone who googled haunted houses and stumbled on this. Maybe next year I’ll write something a little more factual.

Happy haunting!

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