How to End a Relationship

A romantic relationship is without a doubt one of the most beautiful things in this world. A relationship just starting to bud is one of the most exciting times in a person’s life. But what happens when the relationship starts to go awry? What are you to do when you’re just not feeling it anymore? Obviously you need to end the relationship, but breaking up with someone is a terrible time and hassle. Why not get your partner so sick of you that they can’t wait to do it yourself?

The first thing you’ll want to do is not return their phone calls. This will lead them to feel you’re neglecting them. They may even feel you are too busy with another male or female to answer your phone. Once the seed of doubt is planted, it will be pushed to the back of your partners head and will fester there like a tumor.

Eventually you will have some guilt about not answering your partner’s calls, so on the seventeenth call, answer. Your partner will be distressed and ask why you didn’t answer your phone. Stay cool and say it must have been on “silent” and you swore it was on “vibrate”. Your partner will believe you and say how it happens to them too.

To make it up to your lover, tell them you’ll take them out to dinner somewhere nice. This will make them excited and they will forget about how you seemed to fall off the face of the earth. Tell them that they should dress nicely because you’re taking them to a very prestigious steak house that is fit for a king or queen. Also, make sure that they are ready by eight o’clock because you have reservations When the time comes to pick them up, don’t go. Let them wait for you wondering if you have forgotten about them. Don’t answer the phone the next two times they call either. On the third time they call answer the phone and apologize profusely. Explain to them that a family pet escaped the house and you were looking for it. After you have calmed them down take them out to the nearest Burger King and buy them an angus beef hamburger. When they look at you in disgust put a crown on their head and say “I told you this place was fit for a king”.

As you eat your food, look around to make sure there are other people in the restaurant. The closer the people are the better. After you survey the room, start to ompenly complain about how you always have to pay for everything. Make sure to raise your voice while doing this. When your partner tells you to calm down, do the opposite and get louder. Keep this up till there is a full fledge vocal war going on in Burger King. After you have had your fill of arguing, get up angrily  and throw your food away and motion for them to do the same. As they throw their trash away, trip them. Make it seem like an accident and you’re jsut a clumsy person. Make sure that as they start to fall to choke back a laugh.

On the car ride home, talk about a person of the opposite sex who was in the restaurant. Say you liked something about them a lot and how you wish your partner would do the same. Do this until you can see that your partner is getting upset and then change subjects abruptly and ask them how their day was. When they start to answer, turn up the radio, proclaiming your favorite song is on and they can tell you when it’s over. When the song finishesleave the radio blasting, saying they’re playing all your favorites tonight.

When you finally get back to your partner’s house invite, yourslef in. Your partner will let you in for fear of being a bad boyfriend or girlfriend. When you get inside the house, start to set the mood. Hint at what you want and then go for it like a cheetah attacking a gazelle. If you play your cards right you’ll be getting lucky in a matter of minutes.

After you are finished making love to your partner pat them on the head saying “better luck next time”. Tell them that everyone has “off nights” and you won’t hold it against them. If they ask you to stay the night say that you are too tired and think you should be getting home. Complain about a bad back and how your own mattress is the only one that can relieve your pain. If they offer to give you a massage, smile and make a reference that their hands are like meat hooks. Tell them that you you’ll call them as soon as you get home.

When you finally do get home, turn on the television and get lost in a program. After this show is over call your partner saying how you’re sorry, but your favorite show was on and you couldn’t pry yourself away from it.

If you do everything stated here, you hould have no problem losing that special somone in your life. It’s very important to note that you’ll need to be absolutely sure you have no desire to speak to the person again, since you won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. If for some reason they still want to be with you, then you should probably just fake your emotions and stay with them. Sure you’ll be unhappy, but if you meet someone that dedicated they probably deserve to be loved. Or therapy.

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