Archive for August, 2011

Hurricane Irene

August 29, 2011

I like to joke around on this blog. I rarely take many thing seriously when I submit my la night ramblings. With that being said, I would like to be a little serious for a moment.

The past few days we’ve been reminded just how tiny we are when it comes to the giant schemes of things. I’m speaking of course of the event of hurricane Irene. While my first response was to try to make fun of the disaster (I’m biting my lip hard) I realize that when it comes to nature that we really don’t stand a chance.

On the flip of that, disaster sometimes brings out the best in people. Neighbors helping strangers. Strangers helping fellow strangers. And why? Because it’s the right thing to do. We’re all on this planet together and most of the time we’re all we have. So the next time the big one hits remember that helping others is the greatest thing you could do. And believe me, what goes around comes around, but be selflish in your actions. Set an example. Be a hero. ecause helping someone board up a window and giving a few nails, a hammer, and some time does in fact make you a hero. You may not get the glory, but the person you helped will be forever thankful for your kind deed.

I sincerely hope that you and your loved ones are all safe and dry and that if you lost power (like I did for 18 hours) that it’s been restored and you were able to catch Beyonces big news. Apparently me and her are having a baby or something. Girl could have told me before she went all out with it on an awards show.

But I really hope you’re in good spirits and if God forbid you find yourself in a dire situation, please know it gets better. I promise you it does.

Best Shows On TV

August 26, 2011

I would like to start by saying that this quick little list is completely opinion based. There is nothing scientific about it and you shouldn’t take it as anything other than my humble views. With that being said all of my opinions are right. They are solid and you should probably take them to heart and listen to them carefully and embrace them the way a mother bear embraces her dirty cub with her tongue. That anlalogy doesn’t make sense, but my picks for shows do. In no particular order:

Red Eye/w Greg Gutfeld

Greg Gutfeld is the funniest man on TV. In fact the three guys who are constantly on Red Eye, Andy Levy, Bill Schulz and the already mentioned Greg Gutfeld are all incredibly funny and a lot smarter than they sometimes let on. Beyond the crass and sometimes downright dumb humor (which is always funny) there is a level of comedic genius as well as well thought out ideas. Plus, having a conservative, a liberal, and a libertarian constantly on the show means that you really do get all sides of an issue. Something that FOX News is not not always known for.

Louie

The comic’s comic, Louis CK, is amazing. Sure, he is a man who has lived a pretty decrepid life, but if you’re anything like me you’re very happy that he did. He is the brains behind the amazingly funny, sweet, cringe worthy, and often poigniant show. And considering how he writes, directs, and basically contols every aspect of the show (the people at Fx give him a smaller budget to work with and in return do not not interfere with the filming process of the show, something that I find to be incredibly awesome).

Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1

This show makes me stupidly happy. Really. It makes me happy whenever it comes on Ault Swim (Cartoon Network). I’ve tried to figure out why this show makes me so giddy and I think I’ve figured out why: it’s just a stupid show that is stupid in all the right ways. The storylines are so far fetched and far from reality that it makes sense in a way in which we wish the world actually worked. This could be said for most cartoons, but for AUPS1 (formally Aqua Teen Hunger Force or ATHF for short) it just works so well. There are no lessons to be learned like in other sitcom based cartoon shows (The Simpsons, Family Guy),. Just stupid fun. And it works so well.

Children’s Hospital

I got into a conversation with a person I used to work with about this show. He couldn’t stand it ad that’s fine. To each their own as they say. But thinking back, he was completely wrong with his disgust over this show. Children’s Hospital is a show that spoofs on pretty much every medical show that has ever found it’s way onto television and puts some rather adult situations and interjects them into the setting of a children’s hospital. Perhaps the best part of the show is how through the experiences that unfold in the confines of the hospital show how medical dramas are really awful for the most part. Some of the things done on this11 minute show on Cartoon Networks Adult Swim have been done after slightly toying with absurd scenarios that come about in the show Greys Anatomy. Shining a mirror on how silly the shows that claim to be prolific actually are gives it an A+ in my book.

Rescue Me

This is the one show on the list that I have a love and hate relationship with. When it’s good, it’s great, but when it’s bad it can be downright cringe worthy. The story following a fire house in post 9/11 America is one where you find firefighters fighting fires in some very realistic scenes of what goes on in a life threatening fire. You also see how the politics of a firehouse (granted a fictional one) works. The realistic struggles the members of the deparment have over the tragedies of September 11 2001 also provide some poigniant and touching moments to the show. Of course, while the show has moments that make you tear up it also has moments where you’ll find yourself laughing heartily. Which is really saying something about the versatility of creators and head writers Dennis Leary (who also stars in the show as the troubled Tommy Gavin) and Peter Tolan.

While it seems that I am doing nothing but praising the show there are many aspects that leave viewers scratching their heads. Some characters simply vanish from the show after sustaining a lengthy and thought out plot line. Take for instance character Franco’s daughter, who was seemingly kidnapped by the character played by Susan Sarandon who had a brief relationship with Franco. But it didn’t make any sense as to why Franco didn’t put up ay real fight to regain custody of the child he claimed to love. And what about the original chief played by Jack McGee, a former firefighter himself, killed himself out of the blue seemingly to just make room for Leary’s comic friend Adam Ferrara. I’d like to make it known that I enjoy Ferrara’s portrayl of Chief ” Needles” Nelson, I really enjoyed the honesty behind Chief McGee more and the story line seemed forced. And that is probably the crux of the problems tha plague an otherwise great show. Storylines are often not completed or are not linked together in any way. It’s as if the writers just get tired of a plot line and brush it under the rug and hope no one thinks too much about all the missing parts or the awful way some characters exit the show (see Lou’s hooker girlfriend for a prime example). But hey, I turn in every Wednesday night so I guess they can do what they want and with only two shows left I have faith that they will be able to put together a program that makes me realize all over again why I loved the show to begin with.

Well there you have it. Five shows you should probably check out. I doubt that they will disappoint.

What to do During an Earthquake

August 25, 2011

On tuesday the east coast experienced a rare event when the earth shook briefly. I was at my place of employment when the devestation (a few light weight lawn chairs toppled over) occured. A few co-workers felt the quake and I’m kind of jealous of them. Why? Well, because they felt an earthquake and I felt nothing. This seemed to be a common experience for various people. Some felt the shaking while others, sometimes right by them, felt no movement whatsoever. So I wondered why this was. And from this thought I’ve learned what you should do when the earth gets grumpy.

Ignore the earthquake.

This is the best way to avoid bad things. If you simply don’t believe it to be actually happening it isn’t really happening. Kind of like how if it burns when you pee it won’t be chlamydia if you never get tested for it.

Never be still.

Despite what the rock band The Eagles say (‘Learn To Be Still’) never find yourself just sitting or standing or lying around. The people I kow who felt the quake were sitting. I on the other hand was moving around when the disaster struck and I didn’t feel a thing. So using this experience I’ve realized that you won’t feel an earthquake if you are constantly on the move.

Drink heavily.

When you drink too much you can get that wonderful feeling known as the spins. For all of those who have never experienced this the spins are when the room seems like it’s spinning. When an earthquake hits it causes the earth to move around violently much like your perception of the world after you go on a bender. So by using the logic of quantum physics we can see that if your perception of the worls is a moving one than the actual movement during an earthquake will be offset. The two cancel each other out. Seriously. Try it out. Chug that vodka and have a buddy shake you with an anger you didn’t know they had. It’ll work out great.

Be in outerspace.

If you’re not on earth when there is an earthquake you’ll be safe. This is why NASA was originally introduced. To get away from earthquakes. And to build night clubs on the moon. Apparently members of the space program were clubber kids (the rave kind not the seal kind).

Constantly shake stuff/keep things messy.

If you’re in a constant state of shaking and have a messy room you won’t really notice that the bookshelf is moving and that the books that fell from it were ever there to begin with. And who knows, maybe one of these days an earthquake will clean your house for you. I’m pretty sure that’s what this 2012 nonsense is all about. Clean homes. The Mayans were a clean people.

So there you have it. Five scientifically proven things to do when you find yourself in an earthquake. I wish you the best of luck the next time the big one hits.

Drunk Driving In Maryland

August 19, 2011

A woman in Salisbury, Maryland was arrested twice for drunk driving during a 3 hour timespan. The second time she was arrested she had her 4 year old daughter in the car with her.

I had a few thoughts after reading this. Of course there was the typical reaction: wow this lady is a bitch. There was the other reaction: wow this lady is a horrible mother. And then there was this thought: she must have really needed to get somewhere if she was willing to drive blitzed twice.

Yeah, I know this thought may be odd but I’ve recently started realizing that people should probably look at the other side of seemingly horrible acts. For instance, maybe this gin swigging woman needed to go to the doctor and maybe she had a few too many the night before. So she wakes up and thinks hey, more alcohol could help this hangover. So she does this and feels better. So good in fact that she goes to the doctor appointment where she gets a sparkling clean bill of health. This is when she gets pulled over because she swerved a little after spilling some Coffee from WaWa on her thigh. So she goes to the station and she calls her friend to get her out of the klink because she has to go pick up her kid from summer camp. Her friend drives her back to her car because he/she can’t take her to the summer camp because she has to bring her pet maltese’ to get her nails done. She doesn’t want to leave her daughter there so she drives to the camp and picks her up. She starts the drive home when her kid starts belting a song she learned at camp. The mom is startled and swerves again. She’s pulled over and is arrested yet again. More of a victim than a criminal.

But to be serious, she’s a pretty bad person. Really. Her kid will never grow up if she can’t figure out how to use the bus.

Ron Paul and the 2012 Presidential Election

August 15, 2011

I know, I know. A whole lot of Ron Paul supporters are insufferable. Whenever a conversation about Ron Paul comes up people like to put him down. Ususally because he has insufferable supporters. And that’s a real big reason why he doesn’t get the votes that matter. The votes that aren’t made at these straw polls in the middle of nowhere. He always does well there. College kids, the people who shout his name and piss eveyone else at the debate, flock to this strawpoll and he wins. He’s won them before. And god willing, he’ll win them again if he decides to run after the next election.

Yes, as big of a supporter I am of Ron Paul due to his Libertarian leannings, I know full well that he will never be president of the united states. But I think why he won’t be the president is because people think he’s too far out there with his libertarian beliefs. Though, when you actually break them down they make a whole lot of sense. People who would never support him in a million years, when really looking at the things he’s saying, say to themselves “I never would have thought that he’s like that. I kind of  agree with what he said.”

But the truth remains that Ron Paul is not looked at as a viable candidate for the Repeublican party. There are so many reasons as to why this is, but to wrap them up into a little ball, it’s the fact he doesn’t toe the republican party line. He has been outspoken over the US war on drugs, he wants all of our troops brought home, doesn’t really care about gay people getting married. He’s for the people. Something we haven’t had in office for some time.

Ron Paul doesn’t care about the party line when he knows the party line is wrong.  And when it comes to his positions on everything that was just showed, his voting record is impeccable. Meaning he votes for what he believes in and doesn’t care what side of the aisle it’s on. Someone who could possibly get the country to come together maybe?

But nah. He’s an old odd guy who just doesn’t have the look or the pedigree. Might as well just vote more of the same.

Right? More of the same has been good as of late, right?

Taco Bell and True Love

August 12, 2011

At a Taco Bell in Georgia a man acted out an incredible display of love. Jason Dean, an employee at the Ringgold Taco Bell, had asked a fellow co-worker out several times to no avail. The 18 year old female co-worker obviously just didn’t know how strongly Dean felt about her. Because, of course, Jason Dean’s response to rejection was one that every male who has been scorned when it comes to matters of the heart find themselves doing. You know what it is. The guy thought the best (and possibly the only option) was to take a pair of handcuffs and strap them onto the girl who had turned him down all those times before. And it almost worked, but unfortunately for him some other co-workers must have liked the girl more then him and went on to plead for her to be let go, which she was. Jason Dean was arrested for a fellony for false  imprisonment .

I think that what really matters in this story is that sad and lonely guys all over the country don’t know how to simply ask a girl out. Sure, it’s a daunting task, but it’s not hard. And you certainly don’t need added props and the possibility of jail time. And hell, even if it didn’t turn to that, this guy is no going to be known as the “that guy that locked a girl up in Taco Bell in order so they can have a date”. Sure he’s a creep, but at least he went all out in his creepiness.

Maybe that’s what people should take away from this story. Not how creepy it is, but just how all out the guy went about it. I mean, handcuffs? But hey, he did bag her so to speak.

I have a feeling this will turn into a happy ending. She’ll realize just how far he was willing to go to be with her and instead of being freaked out she’ll just be impressed and flattered. And they’ll get married at the same Taco Bell that started their life as of a couple.

Seriously, bullshit aside, this is a great story despite where you decide to go with it. I’m just glad the internets exist so we can all see wonderful stories like this.

London’s Burning

August 10, 2011

In 1977 The Clash (the greatest band ever) put out their first record. On this LP was the great song “London’s Burning” which was pretty much exploring the boredom of living in London. Unfortunately, there seems to be plenty to do in London as of late. And London is burning quite literally.

The riots that are plauging the country of Great Britain started after the shooting of a man, Mark Duggan, by police. But according to those who are on the streets this riot has much more to it than one man’s death. Widespread public school closures do to protests over pension cuts took place in late June. These cuts affected three major teacher’s unions, customs and immigration officers, and air traffic controllers. The protests had close to a million people taking part (I’m rounding up from 750,000). Protestors say that no one payed attention to their peaceful protests and now that things have gotten violent the whole world knows.

And the whole world does know. But what exactly do they know? Because, to be quite honest, this riot just seems like an excuse for asshole youth and asshole true believers (anarchists and such) to get their rocks off by setting fire to a building or flipping a police car.

There’s not one unifying thing that is brining these people together. Actually, there is one. They’re all pissed and anger can lead you to do not always the best things. This is especially true when you’re in a group. The mob mentality kicks in and you do things you wouldn’t normally do because, well, everyone else is doing it. It’s just a different version of peer pressure.

And I honestly believe that there are more people on the streets torching cars and throwing bricks through windshields that are doing it just because, mannnn. It’s a good oppurtunity to riot so they want to grab that oppurtunity and go with it.

For the people who are truley rioting because of the pension cuts, well, it sucks. I’m sorry that these things had to be cut. But if your governement didn’t over spend and found themselves in debt they wouldn’t have to make these cuts that seem like the end of the world to so many hooded hoodlums.

The truth is, thing’ll get better. But not if you tear down your fucking city. You’re really not doing anything constructive and this political involvment amounts to dog shit. So just calm it down. There’s no need to riot.

Things Not to Do After Taking Ambien

August 9, 2011

I believe I wrote about this before. And I believe that I made some fair points. And I believe that you probably said, “hmm, this guy makes a good point. I shouldn ‘t go white water rafting. Even though I have all my gear here I guess I can just postpone it and do it at a time where I won’t take Ambien.”

There are other things you probably shouldn’t do after you take the fun sleep aid. For instance, you should put your phone away. You should also put away your laptop and any other social networking stuff. Because you know you’re going to start talking to someone you shouldn’t be talking to. And you won’t know what you’re saying and will probably just sound weird. It’ s just awkward for everyone involved.

Try to somehow make your sleep space comfortable and full of things that you won’t randomly start throwing around your room for no good reason. I speak for myself when I say that I did this. I just started going through things in my room and it woke people up and they found me in my room basically doing nothing and speaking incoherently. Which makes since when you consider I’m not very coherent to begin with.

Don’t take Ambien and stare at posters in your room. The pictures/clock will seem to move. And that’s silly cause they can’t move. So you should probably just get into bed and lay there. You’ll fall asleep soon.

Do not try to keep a blog that primarily based on  those moments where a sobermind starts to slightly feel the effects of Ambien. You’ll most like chun out garbage. But it may be fun garbage. It always is.

A Robot and a Godless World

August 9, 2011

There are two things that I should say before I begin this little rant. The first is that I know that Stephen Hawking has a disease (ALS) and I am in no way making fun of him because of this. I think it’s amazing that he accoomplished all of the things he has in spite of being dealt a bad deal. The second thing is that I’m not going to try to prove or disprove God here. Sure, I’ll mention my personal beliefs, but I won’t push them on you. ‘Cause what you believe doesn’t always show how much you know (though I do know some things). On the inverse, knowing a lot doesn’t always make what you believe any more believable. But I digress.

Last night Stephen Hawking had a special on Discovery Channel where he stated his beliefs on the universe and where it came from and how humans came to be. He answered the “is there a God” question. The show was entertaining and very interesting but along the way I started to have some thoughts of my own regarding the universe, God, and Mr. Hawking as well.

The first was about Stephen Hawking. Why is it that in every show he does he is in a fairly empty room by himself? He always looks uncomfortable in his wheel chair. Whenever the camera pans by his face you see his eyes and they seem to be begging for someone to come and take him from the loneliness that sitting alone in an empty room brings. Or maybe he just wants someone to seperate Himself  from his robot parts.

See, I have a theory of my own. And this theory came to me a while ago. Maybe at a mall somewhere. It was at a mall. Menlo Park Mall. I was standing on the upperdeck of the parking garage when it hit me. Stephen Hawking ia half man half robot. I don’t think he even wants to be a part of this garbage any more. But the robot and the makers of the robots need to keep him around. The world has this idea that Stephen is actually the man who knows these secrets to life.  But it’s not. He was just a boy that the all knowing robots captured and strapped to a chair and through time and terrible procedures he began to resemble what he looks like now. The ‘voice’ that he speaks with isn’t saying anything he’s thinking. It’s saying what the robots want to say.

Now robots don’t have anything against God, per se. They do have a problem with souls though. Human beings have souls (along with other creatures on earth) and this pisses robots off. To be fair, if I was a robot I would be pissed off about not having a soul too.

See, I will concede that a robot could do everything I currently do and do it better. Every morning where I forget how to button a shirt? Psh, a robot would be done with that task in a matter of moments. Brushing my teeth? A robot would have the whitest cavity-free teeth ever (it also helps that most robots don’t have teeth). Robots would even love better than I do, if you program it to anyway (on every robot there is a “love more gooder than Keith” option). But despite all these things they are better than me at they still can’t get to heaven. That’s why Wall-E was so depressing (I never actually watched the movie). This is also why if you listen to the audio of Short Circuit as loud as you can you can hear Johnny 5 softly whimpering.

So basically, anyone who somehow got offended by Stephen Hawking’s view of God and the afterlife (which he says does not exist) should think about their anger whenever they use a toaster. Stephen Hawking is just a toaster who’s able to say stuff about theology. And you know what? Your smart phone believes in God even less than him.

There Is So Much to Talk About

August 4, 2011

But I don’t really feel like talking about any of the stuff happening in the world today. Not in detail anyway. I thought about a few things that I could have talked about. Like the shootings in Oslo, Norway. While interesting and definately heartwrenching, I just don’t want to deal with the blackness that over takes an event like that.

I was thinking about writing  follow up to the Casey Anthony trail. Basically, it would just be me saying how she’s been out of jail for so many days and no one has a clue where she is or what she’s doing. And all that anger and hatred for her has kind just bled out of a decen propotions of our countries bodies. I was going to say how this is also a good thing and something I kind of thought would happen. No porn for Casey. Just living a lowkey life somewhere far from Florida.

So I decided to talk about this thing, very briefly, which fills me with an odd sense of joy as well as trepidition (I mispelled that word and I’m too lazy to get it right). Of course I’m talking about the coming of September. That wonderful month where classes start up again, football begins, baseball gets good, and the earth shows you her beauty by slowly killing it’s plant life. And it really is beautiful. And I really am excited. So much so that I will be wearing light sweatshirts wherever I go hoping to bump into the month/season as it crosses my path.

Summer really sucked, for lack of a more eloquent way to say that it was shit. I’m hoping autumn can changes things a bit. So here’s to hope. And hoping.