Is A Wizard Ever Really Sober?

In an act of clear witchcraft actor Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame has alerted the world to the fact that he has quit the sauce. This saddened me mostly because I always imagined that sharing a brew with the aspiring child star would allow me to revel in tales of former glory, cocaine laced fevers, and the hope of getting back to what really matters in life (something which I’ve always found alcohol to be a part of). But now these dreams of mine have been shattered all because Radcliffe has decided to become a proper non-drinking Brit. He’s 21, by the way.

Apparently while filming 2009’s Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince he found himself drinking too much. At first this confused me because he wasn’t 21 when he started his “descent”, but then I remembered how in England the drinking age is 18 (something that is frowned upon in the oft-sheltered United States). My fears of a movie star partaking in underage drinking quelled, I wondered just how much he drank. I imagine that he had the access to the kind of binges that result in epic stories of debauchery, but for whatever reason I can’t think of the bespeckled wand toting accented guy getting ripped out of his mind. This line of thinking is flawed though, because some of the best/worst drinkers I know happen to be wizards.

It is common knowledge that wizards are able to take more abuse to their bodies than us common folk. It’s a genetic disorder that allows for this anomaly to take place (as well as a vitamin-D deficiancy). Some would call having this “disorder” a blessing considering you can get yourself into all kinds of hocus pocus fun, but others would maintain that it is more of a hindrance than anything else.

Much like Native Americans (and genies) alcoholism runs wild in the wizard population. In fact, it is widely believed that Professor Dumbledore had various torrid affairs with fellow associates, some recently graduated students, and a certain hat that seems to never shut up.

One has to wonder about whether a wizard can ever truly be sober. I mean, if you had the ability to mix drinks with out even touching the stirrer wouldn’t you be more inclined to drink? It’s the ultimate party trick and everyone knows that party tricks make you popular. Even if you’re a good for nothing wizard.

Considering that Radcliffe is only 21 years old, I doubt that this new lifestyle sticks. Everyone has had that morning where they swear they’ll never drink again. Well, you eventually do drink again. Your indictment of alcohol doesn’t last. Even if you’re magical.


One Response to “Is A Wizard Ever Really Sober?”

  1. crispy Says:

    Dreaming about getting drunk with harry Potter? You are obviously an alcoholic. Get help, fast!

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