Anthony Weiner: I Wrote a Song About This Perv*

*A kind of intoxicated post.

And none of you will ever read or hear it. And that’s OK. Because I bet those of you (not including me) who saw this fine mans under regions regret doing so. I know I would. Though I’m slightly biased being a male, even though I’ve heard from a lot of women that male genitalia is not an attractive thing. Which is why most females become aroused based on more sensual things rather than visual things. At least this is what I’m told as I begin to remove my pants on a third date (the date that I always equated to sex).

This all makes me think about the logic behind showing your member if you’re a member of congress (or any male at all). I say this with full hope that no pictures of me will surface on the internet, mostly because I am basically a nobody and I have never shown a picture of my, pardon my french, dick before. It’s not any commentary on my nether regions, but rather a commentary on how things should be left to the imagination. Less is more they say. Which is why that girl who lives next door to you who jogs occasionally past your house is sexier than the porn star who spreads eagle for chuckles.

Now, let me say that I sort of understand why the congressman did this. Actually, there are a few reasons that I can think of. One of them, possibly the most prominent, is that he feels he is someone with power who is entitles to this behavior. He’s a congressman from a district of hipster Brooklyn and damnit, if he wants to talk sexy to various females via social media networks he damn well deserves to. (This makes me wonder about dirty talk in general. When taken out of the context of a sexually tinged discussion, it is all so stupid sounding. Which is why all the sex I have is done quietly, and usally by oneself. It’s clearly the way God intended it to be.) Another reason Anthony Weiner felt the need to do this is because he was not very good at courting before he became someone of fame. Sure, this goes hand in hand with the first reason, but I am trying to vouch for the d-bag.

The guy could also be a sex addict. You know, a male who always feels the need to have sex with females. Which I always thought was simply evolution at work. You know, rather than a sickness or something. Sex feels good and given the oppurtunity people tend to allow themselves the pleasure of the experience.

Which leads me into my next theory. The congressman was simply a man who wanted to get his rocks off, so to speak. Sure it’s the simplest and the least dramatic of the reasons, but as is usually the case, it’s usually the simplest reasons that are those full of the most truth. So he was just being a sexually competent male. And no one should fault him for this, even he is a member (haha!) of the government. 

What they should fault him for is the fact that he is married. And regardless of how attractive his wife is (she happens to be quite beautiful) you don’t indulge in sexually laced discussions with other women when you’re married. Yes, he didn’t act upon these urges with actually seeking a female to be physically intimate with (that we know of anyway) but he did cheat on his wife when it comes to matters of trust and the heart. And love without trust is like a clean mouth without flossing; It’s just not going to work (really, I hated flossing but the last dentist appointment I had I was cavity free largely because I started sliding a thin strip of string between my teeth).

Add into the fact that he treated his wife like complete shit, he also developed various schemes regarding the whole thing. First it was that he was hacked for a manner of minutes while he enjoyed a hockey game (I can’t fault him for liking hockey especially because these playoffs have been great. Especially the finals between Boston and Vnacouver). He got angry with the media when they asked him questions and proded to get him to not dodge it with weird answers involving hecklers and pies (something is oddly kinky which makes sense in context of the scandal at hand). He even hinted that this whole hacking could have been done by terrorits. Yes, the guy honestly stated that al-Qaeda (or al-Qaida if that fits your spelling preference) hacked into his account and sent a dirty picture of him to some college student in the state of Washington all to destroy the American ideal of freedom. Which makes sense considering that sending a picture of yourself in a compromising position could result in you being stoned to death (if you’re a female anyway). And I’m sure that a group bent on killing “infidels” would subject thesmelves on pulling a schoolyard prank on someone, regardless of who the person happens to be.

So in the end there is only one thing to get after gathering information on this story. And that thing that you should get is that Congressman Weiner is nothing but a complete jackass, and considering how he attempted to cover up the whole thing makes him seem like a bit of sociopath (though not quite up to a Patrick Bateman style of disregard to the rules of being a well functioning human being).

If he would have just admitted to his pattern of smut I would have respected the guy a little more. But instead he tried to weasel his way out of the situation and tried to make hiself believe the lie, which he obviously (by now anyway) wasn’t capable of doing. And this is the only thing that Anthony Weiner and myself have as a common bond: We’re both awful liars.

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