One thing I hated about college was how every professor I had made me wear a dress and dance for my C average. This is sort of a lie. I started doing this for fun and I guess my professors thought they were supporting me by putting my “talents” on display. So I guess I should be thanking them for that.
But what I also hated about college was how a person was required to write an essay. “The academic paper” they would say with their chins lifted high. It sure sounds smart. We all want to be academics afterall, right? We all want to be able to quote various fellow academics with degrees and letters by their name. It makes you feel good when you’re able to get a room of people who seem to be “in the know” nod their heads approvingly. But it’s also a lot of bullshit.
I remember sitting in a class where everyone contiously tried to one-up each other with tid-bits of knowledge that wasn’t really knowledge at all. Anyone who wanted to seem smart could just mutter some vague idea that when actually put up to any stress would fall apart. No one challenged the statements they made though. It was just a room of free thought where nothing was wrong. Just ideas. While that sounds nice it’s also really weak. Just because you say something that is really just pseudo-intellectual garbage doesn’t mean that you should get people rubbing their chin feeling delighted that they were able to be in the presence of such a smart person. You’re not that bright. You’re just a tool with ideas that are formed in the haze of recreational drug use and the confidence to mention it in a room with a chalkboard.
So what do I have against proper english? Nothing really. I like it when people use complete words and comply with simple sentence structure. There’s no need to bastardize the english language (I do that enough for everyone here). But there comes a point where I personally think that people are just trying to make things more difficult for people trying to write a paper.
Why the fuck can’t I use two of the three points of view when I write? Really. Think about it. If you put any of them down you’ll get a red line underneath each and a note on the side of the paper saying to not use them. But why is this? If I am writing a paper where I am commenting on something is it really so bad to say it is in my opinion rather than it is in the writers opinion? Are they not going to know that I wrote the paper if I just say “the writer” instead of I? What about my name on the top of the paper? And why does it matter who wrote the paper? The ideas that are contained within the paragraphs are there and whether I wrote it or a writer (which happens to be me) wrote it shouldn’t matter. The grade should come from the content of the paper rather than the point of view used to write it.
If any of my former english teachers happen to read this I want them to know that I thank you for not failing me because of my adverse reaction to the laws of writing. It is because of you that I can use words in a somewhat coherant manner with minimal spelling mistakes (or a lot). But to the people who wanted me to stop my use of contractions because it simply doesn’t look as sexy (though meaning the same thing) I don’t like you much (but I love you so it’s OK).
As a final thought to show how the college paper is really a whole lot of hot air, I’ll gladly say that I wrote most of my papers while under the influence of alcohol. I’m pretty sure Hemmingway did too. Probably Fitzgerald as well. Certainly poe. Williams of course. Faulkner, Keroauc, Joyce, Thompson, Capote, and so on. It was a booze cruise of writing prowess full of barley and wheat and most likely awful penmanship. A high of wild fun and a low of stunning depths. Which is probably why they all pretty much died alone. So I got that going for me too. (I had 699 words included in this entry and felt that I should bump it up to 700. So I begain muttering nonsense. Writing. Awesome.)