The other day I was doing an online radio show with everyone’s favorite strung out star, Carlos Estevez, when Bree Olson (google image search her name and be saddened to know she lied to you about you being her first) came into the room with a bottle of thick red liquid. I asked what was in the bottle and Charlie Sheen proceeded to tell me that it’s easy for him to win. That clearly didn’t answer my question, but I just went with it. After all, me and Charlie have a lot in common.
For starters, we’re both unemployed; addicted to drugs (him cocaine and me love), and full of some undesirable desire to continue to speak when we have nothing really to say.
Now, I know that you’re going to tell me that Mr. Sheen has plenty to drone on about. He’s living with two former adult film stars (which sort of seems excessive), is a millionaire (and can blow money on drugs), portrayed everyone’s late 80’s hero Rick Vaughn (the best performance ever on film), and is related to the coach of the Mighty Ducks. But there comes a point where you become a parody of yourself and I’m afrain Sheen will soon wear out his welcome (kind of how Napoleon Dynamite wasn’t as funny with everyone in every high school class quoting it).
How can anyone be winning so much in life you wonder? Well it comes down to that red liquid that was brought to Sheen: tiger blood. Tigers are beautiful creatures that are known for their striped coats and Detroit snarl. That’s pretty much all they have going for them. Which kind of makes me wonder why Sheen is drinking their blood. I assume it’s because 3 species of tiger are extinct and the other 6 are endangered. This means that by murdering tigers and drinking their blood you become really fucking cool. It’s true.
The other upside of drinking the blood of a tiger is that it gives you a sense of purpose even if you don’t really have one. The research I’ve conducted (which includes a 20 year blind study with tigers and baby pandas who drink the tiger’s blood) shows that the void of everyday life can be filled by the ingestion of tiger blood. It could be only the sense of being full since tiger blood is full of nutrients that a person needs, or it could be because of something entirely else.
See, when a person feels that they’re life is empty they turn to various things in order to fill that gap. The thing that we have learned by watching Charlie Sheen fall apart is that when we turn to something to give us a sense of purpose can lead us to realize that the very thing we have clung to feels cheap. It’s kind of the idea that we as human beings always want more. We want what is just out of a reach. It drives us along, sure, but it also can make you sit by yourself and feel even more empty. The realization that all that you’re doing is trying to compensate with the lack of something else is a frightening experience. Sheen is simply doing a lot of the things he is doing right now because of 1) his drug abuse, and 2) his kicking of the drugs. Now that he is no longer (if you believe that he is in fact clean) doing lines of coke, he needs to fill that void with his awful web shows and constantly putting himself out into the media’s eye by saying the things that he says.
So in a way he is showing us that the emptiness within the emptiness you’re feeling is what breeds winning. The equation looks like this: CIE + SIE2 / TB = W (cocaine induced emptiness plus sober induced emptiness divided by tiger blood equals winning).
Now the trolls that Sheen has taken as his mortal enemy could never understand what he is saying because they do not drink tiger blood. The drink the urine of a house cat. Apparently this doesn’t give you the same super hero abilities that tiger blood can. The trolls have tried tiger blood on a few occasions. They found it to be not nearly as good as house cat pee. Sheen snapped when he learned about this. In his mind he can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to live his bi-winning life style. Sheen is a God from greek times where Zeuss would turn into a goat just sleep with the maiden of his choosing (I hope he at least changed back to a God before having sex). Why a llowely troll wouldn’t want this glory is beyond him. It’s a swipe at him and Charlie doesn’t take swipes very well. Unless he’s swipping a card for some cigarattes and chopping up some fine Columbian direct cocaine.
Personally, I’m glad the trolls aren’t jumping into his life style. I just don’t think they could. He’s a God, them a meager troll. Would never work out right. Never.