My Picnic With Justin Bieber* (*)

I first want to point out that the age of consent in New Jersey is 16. I would also like to point out that me and bieb machine (my nickname for him) have only traded baseball cards and eaten freshly prepared sloppy joes in a dimly lit warehouse in Fairfield New Jersey. I would also like to say that Selena Gomez was welcome to come along for the fun, but as the bieb machine knows, no girls allowed.

So anyway, I was sitting at home flipping through Jean Racine’s Phedre and my phone vibrated. I looked and saw that it was the bieb cat (my other nickname for him). He wanted to know if I wanted to go out and play off the wall down at the school in my town. I told him I had to ask my parents. He said, cool. So I went to go ask but my parents weren’t there! So I thought I’m going to go and play off the wall with Bieber and and just tell my folks about it later. So I texted him and said that I would be there in 10 minutes. He said, cool.

So I get to the school and realized my phone was ringing. Sure enough it was beaver bieber (another nickname for him). So I answer the phone and he tells me that he’s at the old abandoned warehouse. I asked why. He said, cool. So I decide to go over to the old abandoned warehouse which used to be a Sears and meet up with my young friend.

I get there and take off my vintage Cosby themed sweater and notice that Jeffrey Ross Jr. (my other nickname for him) is busy slapping sloppy meat on hamburger rolls. To be quite candid, the prepared ground beef smelled wonderful and I was more than happy to accept the freshly made sandwhich. This is when things got kind of weird. JRjr took out a little plastic sandwhich bag that had some little pieces of paper in it. He asked me if I wanted to be cool. Of course I said yes. I mean, when the king of cool (Robert Frost) offers you drugs, you accept. I figured that Bieber, while not nearly as cool as Frost, is considered quite cool (and dreamy) by teenage girls and therefore I would be col and dreamy too if I went along with his growing up.

So we put the tabs underneath our tongues and hung out for awhile talking about what we want to be when we got older (him a dog trainer and me dead). Then the walls started to move and we started to giggle and we listened to Tom Petty and just couldn’t believe how much the music made us feel significant. After listening to Tom Petty for awhile while looking at some art work by Tool band member Adam Jones, bieb beetle (my other nickname for him) pulled out a handheld mirror. We went our separate ways and looked into the mirror for a little bit, to see our true selves or something like that. When I looked into the mirror I saw my face turn into a bowl of tapioca pudding and within the pudding the face of Bill Maher being punched by a big fisted Winston Churchill.

I’m not sure what Justin saw when he looked into the mirror at himself (probably something cool), but when he looked at me I guess he saw Selena Gomez cause he tried to kiss me. It was right after he tried this that I told him I had to go. He looked sad and asked me not to tell anyone about our little adventure. I told him I wouldn’t and gave him the finger and giggled.

All in all, it was a pretty fun time. That JB is an alright guy if you take him for what he is: a drug taking, gay teenage heart throb.

* I hope that my blog gets more attention seeing that I’m slandering the name of a famous person.

(*) Miley Cyrus playing Justin Bieber on SNL is hot. I’m not sure if my infatuation comes from the oddly feminine features of Justin Bieber, or the delightfuly feminine features of Miley Cyrus.

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