So if you’re out walking a park one day enjoying the budding of trees and the flight of hummingbirds and the ever present scent of sincere sadness that radiates from parks due to reminders of failed relationships and see a bunch of ducks floating in a lake it’s gonna piss you off. If they happen to be waddling along in a line it’s going to really piss you off. If there’s a mother duck at the head of the line and a bunch of furry little mutant baby ducks bouncing behind you’re going to be fucking livid. And like any good American, you’re going to want to pick up a near by stone and throw it as hard as your rage filled arm can manage. But you can’t do this and here’s why.
In this great time of economic strife, we need to care for our rocks. They are the only precious stones that really matter any more. Think about it. It is the only mode of war that is used in the Middle East to any great affect (or effect, whichever one’s right). All that was needed to oust the leader of Egypt was some sturdy, chiseled legs and some well aimed pebbles.
Now I know you’re thinking that there are certainly more important things than stones. Like food, you’re thinking. But how do you think you’re going to get that food? By using money that is worthless? I’ve watched Glenn Beck. I know that the monetary system of the world is as good as dung (see, it kind of sounds like done. It’s interchangeable.). So you’re going to collect rocks and throw them at the people who are running the registers at the A&P and the waiters at Dave & Busters and you’re going to take what is rightfully yours. Well, it’s not rightfully yours. But hey, you have rocks and they don’t.
Now I know that you’re now thinking, “but Keith I also watch Glenn Beck and I know that he thinks we should buy gold”. Bullshit. Everyone wants you to buy gold but they never tell you what gold really is. It’s just rocks spray painted gold! It’s true. Wikipedia it. If it’s not there than simply add it since someone who obviously doesn’t like me has taken this valid information down. Hell, use my blog as your source. I’ll go to bat for you.
Now why would Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and G. Gordon Liddy want you to buy spray painted rocks? Because they all have there hands wrist deep (used to be my nickname) in the spray paint market. It was what caused the Watergate break in, the Internment camps during World War 2, and why I am still disappointed that Selena Gomez hasn’t realized that Justin Bieber is clearly some kind of puppet boy made by ancient aliens. Feel free to look this up on wikipedia as well.
Why is spray paint such a lucrative business? Due to the forceful silencing of several of my closest friends and informants (Duke the Dumpster Droese, Doink and Dink, the midget Jerry Lawlers, Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman) my line of communication has been cut. But somewhere, there is a midget Jerry Lawler who knows exactly why the high school huffing tool is so key to the running of the world.
So don’t throw stones at stupid ducks. Not because ducks are cute, but because the rocks are worth more than their pathetic lives.