While doing one of my rounds of clinical duty at the local VFW lounge and rib shack, a parent with a small child, not yet old enough to drive yet old enough to out drink me, cornered me and complimented me on my dapper appearance. I was wearing my classic Laurel and Hardy trousers that I bought off of the probably gay duo of American Pickers. I thanked her for the kind words and saw her eyes grow sad. This is when she told me of the problem with her adorable baby child. He was perfectly healthy, but had developed what could only be described as “furry feet”. She asked me if she should be concerned. I gave her the answer in the back of a friends Honda Accord, but I’ll give you the answer here in a much more professional manner which doesn’t involve masking tape and my sweet tears.
Furry feet is a very dangerous ailment to have. It is believed to be caused by the disgusting cross breeding of Hobbit and common city folk from the rural north woods of lower East Orange New Jersey. Now, the idea of having hairy feet doesn’t seem like much of a problem at first, but it can become one. The only reason human beings have hair is due to evolutionary traits that have happened to keep us warm during cold weather. A small child with a small brain will no doubt run out into blizzard conditions with their furry feet and feel warm. Their stupid baby brains won’t realize that their feet are only warm because of the offputting fur on their feet. This will lead them to run and play in snowbanks and eventualy freeze to death. There bodies will be ruined yet their feet great for the lining of a coat.
So if you see that your child has furry feet please take them to your local butcher right away. They’ll know what to do. The jar of pickles will cost extra, of course.