Archive for February, 2011

So I Met God Last Night (a work of fiction)

February 26, 2011

I had just put on my favorite CD, Sounds That Whales Make While In Heat, which I do every night before I crawl into my rather comfortable, though empty bed. After standing for a few moments waiting to hear at least a few whales get off, I finally slipped beneath the covers of my bed, sent a wet kiss to my pep-pep who I’m pretty sure can’t stand me most of the time, and took a deep breath. It was during my deep breath that I heard a noise coming from outside my bedroom door. I looked over at my dresser where my eyes lingered on my record player (whale sex noises sound much better when being played on a record player. Seriously. Check it out. It’s hot.)

Seeing that everything with the horny whales was in order, my eyes glanced over to my door where I began to see smoke billowing through the small area where the door and floor meet. I immediately became concerned that the house was on fire and through on some clothes (I listen to whale sex noises nude, by the way) and opened the door to my bedroom. Upon opening the door the smoke completely enveloped me. I felt my body begin to lift from the ground. I imagine this is how it feels to be magician David Blaine when he decides to just levetate for fun. A quick side not, if I could levetate (or is it levitate?) I would probably fly above a fishing tournament and yell at the people fishing. I don’t know why I’d do this, but I would. I should probably be institutionalized.

So anyway, I’m in this smoke/mist stuff and I’m floating and the smoke/mist is taking me towards the stairs that lead to the downstairs of my house. Of course, being that smoke/mist can be a tool, it decided to drop me down the afformentioned stairs. As I was tumbling I suddenly wondered if I had left the oven on since I had been making some souflet (pretty sure I mispelled that) before I decided to call it a night. In the end it didn’t matter because before I could reach a conclusion my head smacked against the bottom step. It hurt. A lot. But the pain only lasted a little bit because I passed out soon after my head met step.

So you’re probably wondering when God comes into this story. Well, get ready, because here it goes. See, I kind of died upon impact. And death is an interesting feeling. It’s different for everyone. Good people go to a happy place where wonderful massages are given and fresh fruit is served. Bad people go a shady place where bad massages are given and the only form of refreshment they have is chips that are stale because they were left out over night. So where did I go? I went to this other place. The place I went to didn’t have massages or refreshments but there were plenty of cigarettes and a middle-aged black man who felt the need to criticize every little thing I did.

It took me a moment to realize that this middle-aged black man was in fact God. I could tell because he was wearing a 1986 New York Mets hat with the mets logo whited out and the word God sloppily written over it. Despite the haphazardly crafted hat, his shoes (wingtips) were immaculate.

When you meet God you really want to ask a lot of questions. Where did we come from? Why are we here? Is there really a heaven and hell? Which Ghostbusters movie was the best? Will robots eventually take over society? Does Bert and Ernie ever accept their homosexuality? Will I ever hit puberty?

Well, let me be the first to say that God is very patient and he allowed me to ask all these questions. And he gave me detailed answers. Some of them longwinded. Unfortunately he spoke in African Violet talk so the only person who might have gotten anything out of it would be Elizabeth. See, Elizabeth has African Violets. I would say she’s luckier than most.

So Elizabeth, if you ever find yourself being carried by a thick mist and tumbling down the stairs and meet a man wearing a raggedy Mets cap that says God on it, do your best to figure out what the fuck the guy is saying, because, honestly, I was at a loss.

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The Melee In Wisconsin

February 19, 2011

If anyone has been watching any news as of late, you’ve most likely seen quite a commotion taking place in the Superbowl winning state of Wisconsin. Protests being held in the states capitol of Madison have involved various public workers unions that are vehemently against proposed increased rates involving their pension plans. Basically they are being asked to take something out of their paycheck in order to pay for it. Considering the current state that most states of the US are in, meaning fiscal disaster, it seems completely reasonable to have less tax money going to things that could be helped along with the people who are in need of it pay a little more. But that’s just me and I’m not sure if that made any sense at all. Luckily, when I heard this story I found it better suited to my time to look into what Wisconsin is known for rather than trying to understand this complex economic matter. So that’s just what I did. And I only used one source, which is full of various people giving answers that I take as truth, even though they may not be true. That site was furnished by a google search of what is Wisconsin known for. The URL to the site is the following. Feel free to go there if you wish to not read anymore of my regurgitation of already expressed information (which may or may not be true). http://askville.amazon.com/Wisconsin-uniquely-famous/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=207814

So while you may be aware that Wisconsin is known for their dairy products, they are also known for their beef. This means that after the fine farmers of Wisconsin are done fondling their spotted pals they go ahead and hack them up in a bloody display of what can only be described as unrequitted love from an uncle you never knew (this is the only way that Charlie Brown’s will accept their beef). This also means that Wisconsin farmers have taken the advice of Native American tribes and let nothing go to waste. Or something like that.

Even though Wisconsin is known more for their dairy products rather than other agricultural achievments, they are also known for their cultivation of potatoes, ginseng, cranberries, oates, snap beans, tart cherries, and sweet corn. I feel it is important to note that while typing this list I found myself giggling at the terms snap beans and tart cherries in a manner that a person would laugh if when they were a child they didn’t feel the need to breathe nearly as often as the growing brain of a human child would like. I like to think that I’ve been holding up quite well regrdless of my oxygen intake in the early stages of my youth. 

Wisconsin is also known for various outdoor activitites, One of the main activities that go hand and hand with the  dairy prodcuts is hunting. Sure you could buy a meal in any cookie cutter groccer, but you could never get the fine food of the land by going there. You need to go straight to the source. The fine folks of the dairy state get their meat by heading out into the wilderness and shooting blindly into the night hoping to hit something that doesn’t sound like a crying child. Hunting is a large part of what makes Wisconsins history so Wisconsin.

There sure are some other things I could point out, but I’m really tired and I mean, I gave you the link if you really feel the need to explore the wonderful world of Wisconsin.  I hope you do. It’ a swell place for great people who were most likely born there against their will.

As locals of the great state often refer to each other as: CHEESEHEAD CHEESEHEAD BEST HEAD CHEESEHEAD.

I hope that this has helped clarify any of your confusuon.

I Shouldn’t Be Writing

February 17, 2011

No, I am not saying that I shouldn’t write because of my lack of talent, no matter how apt this may be. I am also not saying I shouldn’t write because of some dire reasoning like if I were to write something some other untold tragedy besides my writing will transpire, though it may.

There’s only three reasons as to why I shouldn’t be writing right now. The first being is that I really have nothing to write about. I ususually have a story or I have a very loosely based idea in my head that I can go from. I can’t do that now since I have nothing to write about it. Or nothing that I feel matteres enough to write about.

The second is my ambien just kicked in and I am doing all I can to write from a straight and sober mind. It’s kind of difficult considering everything is telling me to go off on a tangent full of nonsense where nothing really gets said.

And the third is the same as the first. It’s just not very good. I want to write but there’s nothing on my mind that feels worthy of writing. So it’s kind of like to get mu full of writing I would have to write through my mixed up thoughts due to the wonder drug that is ambien.

I guess I could write earlier too. That’s a possibility. But it’s not as fun as reading something I wrote and noticing just when the medicine kicked him hard in the head. It’s fun. There’s probably some of that in here.

Find ’em and you win a wworthless nickel.

Justin Bieber: Thoughts, Comments, Concerns

February 15, 2011

I don’t like him. I just want to get that right out of the way. I will never listen to the bublous faced lad and I will lose no sleep when his moment in the sun burns out.

With a strong statement like that, you may think that I hate Bieber. This isn’t true though. I take him for what he is. He’s an icon for the sake of being a teen icon. He knows the moves, knows how to swoon in a way that makes the young girls, (the main fraction of his fan base) pine over his every prebubescent move. He does all these things well so for someone to call out about the kid not being talented is nonsense. It’s the not the talent that I go for when I’m hopinh to be enteretained, but it’s still entertainment.

Being that he is only 16 years old, he’s come quite a far way in such a short time. His success right out of the blue is  abit unerving. Sort of reminded me of hitlers rise to power. I bet that if Hitle had a flip phone he’d be feeling girls on a vespa as well.

Despite all the things you can dislike about the young boy child, the biggest could be that the is from Canada. I like Canada. I want to go to Montreal sometime soon. This whole thing just makes me rethink it. I wish that Justin Biever could have been from somehwere else such as Kenya or whatever. Montreal is nice.

Eh. I guess I could just wait till he burns out and then plan my trip. I ask that he does so in a graceful way. Find another passion or something? Have you ever knitted? I could see you getting a kick out of it.

Valentine’s Day: An Idea

February 14, 2011

I’m not one to be bitter over the fact that I’m not going out for fine dining or anything like that. I say that you share my theology when it comes to this. See, I’m just going to call it a day and spend time in my bed. Just me, for now, though if you’re lonely and want in on the cuddling that’s fine too. After all, the more the merrier. Or something like that.

Just don’t hog the blankets. It gets cold in my room very easily.

Thoughts on the Egyptian Revolution

February 12, 2011

While watching the news these past few weeks I’ve been constantly updated on the protests in Egypt. If you haven’t been following the middle-east changing story let me fill you in with a very quick explanation: The president of egypt was a big Backstreet Boys fan while the everyday citizens of the country were N’Sync fans. A smaller group riding on camels were fans of New Kids on the Block and wanted to ruin the whole protest with violence, a typical response from NKB supporters.

Now that the reasons for the protests have been cleared, let’s see what I took away from the entire thing.

Egyptians are able to stand for a very long time. It’s true! Through all of this commotion, the protestors gathered in Liberty square in Cairo and did not sit. Whenever a camera panned over the crowd the people were standing still or milling about in an unorganized fashioned. There was constant movement in the square, and people just seemed like they didn’t want to rest until President Mubarak was removed from office. But even after he stepped completely down earlier today, the people still didn’t sit. This leads me to another thing that I’ve learned from this whole ordeal: Egyptians are incredibly fit.

They spent weeks protesting by constantly standing and marching and when they received the news they wanted they proceeded to jump up and down. This shows the amazing calf strength of the Egyptian people. Mubarak may have taken their civil liberties away, but he most certainly didn’t take away they’re incredibly toned thighs.

As writing this I realized that the people involved in this revolt did indeed leave their feet when it was time for prayer. If it’s ok with you I’m going to ignore this aspect of the story. It’s not because of any religious intolerance, but only because it takes away from my learnings and I don’t want to say that I learned nothing from such a world changing event.

My 101st Post

February 10, 2011

The last post that I contributed was the 100th entry of my blog. Through the past 100 works of nonsense I have proven that people void of any coherant thoughts can produce something somewhat tangible.

I’ve tried to touch on various topics, which I think that I have been pretty successful with doing. There is no real hyme or reason with my various diatribes. They’re not thought out and clearly not researched very well which makes for many factural errors (I think everything I’ve said has been true, though, so to me I have never given any false information).

I plan on writing here for as long as I possibly can and that means that with any luck I’ll be able to break the 200 mark with my ramblings. Considering I don’t usually know what I’m going to write about until I sit down and begin sketching out the idea in my head, I’ve thought of a few possible topics that I may touch on. Here they are.

-Dust conceived by mythological creatures.

-The best chewing gum there is.

-If so and so fought whatsername who would win?

-Why God made the platypus.

-Evolution kind of sucks and individuals with webbed fingers and toes are an example of this.

-Why I am voting for Obama in 2012.

-Why I am not voting for Obama in 2012.

-Why I am not voting in 2012.

-Car dealership commercials are the best commercials on TV.

-The Etrade baby is a sell out.

-If I had to live somewhere other than the United States I would live in (insert country).

Those are some possible new stories that I will be working on so that I can reach the 200 milestone. I promise to try to do better on the next hundred if you promise to keep reading.

Anything You Love I Can Love Better

February 9, 2011

Band of Horses is a Seattle based band that was formed in 2004 and has since become a staple in the indie rock music world. In 2007 the group released an album entitled Cease to Begin. The record is pretty damn good seeing that the band seemingly knows how to incorporate just the right amount of fuzz into their at times rocking music. The third track on the release is the melancholy (to me anyway) No One’s Gonna Love You. The lyrical content of the song basicaly has lead singer Ben Bridwell explainging that his love for his lover will never be equaled. And no one is ever gonna love you more than I do, he lampoons. It’s a sentiment that I’m pretty sure everyone has shared at one point or another. There has been a time where you simply cannot imagine someone ever loving a particular person to the extent that you do. Unfortunately, as honest and strong as your love may be, you’re wrong when you think that it can never be matched.

See, I loved someone once with everything that was in me. I’ve loved several people with my enitre being. I would do anything for them and despite my faults, I would seldom faulter with that basic principal. I’ve spent many nights in my bed thinking that my love could simply never be matched. No one would ever find it in themselves to love this person as passionatly as I did. They may love them, but they didn’t love them like I did. It just wasn’t possible.

This kind of thinking made it extra hard when things didn’t work out. The person I loved with everything I had was able to find someone else who apparently loved them just like I did. They must have, anyway, considering that they didn’t feel that they needed my love anymore. Their new interest’s love was all they needed. My feelings, while still precious and undeniably true, were matched by someone else. Knowing that this new person was able to look my love in the eye and full heartedly tell them that they loved them more than life made me feel awful. It made, to me, my pouring of my heart feel inferior and lackluster. Like all those things that I thought only I was able to give and feel were just cheap words, even if I meant them with the greatest amount of sincerity.

In reality, my love is not made any less because someone else feels the same way that I do. It just means that the person I love is very loveable. This isn’t a bad thing when you really think about it. Sure it will lead to sleepless nights and probably some binges involving products with names like Molson, Beefeater, and a Gentleman named Jack, but that’s just part of the experience of love. If anything, think about how you were with someone who is very desirable to other people. This is kind of cool. I mean you were with someone who a whole lot of people pine for. You got them. That’s not a bad deal. Good f0r you.

It should also be stated that just because this other person may have the same amount of love that I have for a person, my love is still more qualified for their love.

On Jimmy Eat World’s 2010 release Invented, Jim Adkins sings about an assortment of things on the title track 0f the record. The words that struck me the most are towards the latter part of the song when we hear Adkins softly croon “any dick can roll up in a suit. But only I would know what really moves you.”

This made me think that just believing that you love someone as much as you say you do doesnt get anything done. You can move someone, as Mr. Adkins puts it, and you may feel you’re the only person who will be able to convey this emotion or extract real feeling from a person, but it’s not true.

The truth is, regardless of all the love that has been shared between two people, there’s going to be other people around who love them just as much, if not more, than you do. And it’s a really sucky part of life. Because feeling like your all isn’t good enough is a terrible feeling.

But life goes on. The night is young. You’ll make a great catch for someone. So get back on your horse and do your best to find someone who only needs your love. Find someone who you simplly cannot help but give love too. It’s like a drug. Love that its. GThat love you have for that person should be like a drug. But a drug that you don’t have any intentnion of kicking. Because that Love/drug gets you closer to the only thing that matters to you.

So love on. You’ll find that person one day. I promise it.

February: 28 Days of Suck

February 7, 2011

I’d like to apologize to anyone who has a birthday during the month of February. I’m sorry that you had to be been in such an unappealing and uneventful month full of only dreary weather and sadness. It must be awful to be associated with things like that.

I’d also like to apologize to people with heart conditions and also people who are African-Americans. I’m sorry you got stuck with this month.

Now that the Super Bowl is over, there is nothing to look forward to in this awful month. We’ve already passed two of the two of the three best offering of the month (National Freedom Day* which is observed on the 1st, and the Super Bowl which was played today which is the sixth). This makes me think that this month will simply drag on full of only cold and greyness. Sure, we might get some more winter weather which can be kind of nice at first, but even that eventually sucks. It goes from beutiful white, pure snow to grey dirty snow. And getting to work sucks when it snows. The roads are bad but I still have to go. It’s just a bad time.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Keith, the 8th of February is Boy Scout Day.” Yes, that day is surely a great day, but it’s just not the same now that I’m an adult. I was never a boy scout, but I was always envious of their quiet American calm and their ability to use a knife properly.

Some people will do things on Valentine’s Day**, but not me. I mean, I’m sure I’ll do something, but sitting in my room nude while reading The Great Gatsby doesn’t really sound all that notable.

Being the optomist (ha!) that I am, I try to see the glass as half full. But to be honest with you, February doesn’t offer all that much hope. I guess we can be hopeful that March*** will come around quick. but that doesn’t really involve February. We only have 21 more days till the first of March shows it’s peachy face and I feel compelled to write about how March is just an awful month.

I guess we can be thankful that 2011 isn’t a leap year. Something I still don’t really understand.

*I don’t know what National Freedom Day is. I just saw that it’s apparently a holiday when researching (yes, I do research for this blog) this subject.

**As of right now I do not have a valentine. For any ladies reading, I’m quite the fan of cheap wine and Micky Mantle memorabilia. So I’m quite the catch. That’s what my mom says anyway.

***March is awful, too, but it does give way to Spring which is nice. With that being said, it’s still only slightly better than February.

I Can’t Believe I Used To Like That: The Retraction of Youth

February 6, 2011

When I was younger (I realize this is an odd statement considering that I’m only 22 years old but that doesn’t really matter) I used to like things that I certainly do not like now. In fact, I liked things in my youth that I am almost ashamed to admit that I liked. In fact in fact, when admitting that I liked this (in my mind) embarassing thing I’ll remark on how dumb I was when I was young. I’m not alone in this though since you have also done this in one way or another.

You might have said something along the lines of (insert age) *your name* liked such and such. This is only included in your discussion because you feel slightly (or very) ashamed for have liking this. So instead of try to justify your feelings on the matter you attach your young age to show that it was respectable because you simply didn’t know any better.

This way of doing things is pretty dumb if you ask me (I consider myself dumb for doing this and other equally dumb things). Everyone’s tastes change as they grow older. This is a fact, but that doesn’t discredit the tastes that you had when you were younger. They’re not dumb jsut because you have moved on from them. They’re just a foot note in the ever expanding discovery of who you really are.

Now, as I type this I realize that some things that we do when we’re young are really stupid. Take for instance the time in high school when some friends and myself got drunk off of a Smirnoff malt beverage that I can’t recall the flavor of (maybe sour apple?). They were building a house down the street from my friend’s home and we thought it would be fun to go into the fairly hollow structure and…well, I’m not sure what we planned to do. We definately didn’t intend to go in and grab random things from the house and toss them triumphantly into a lake which was only a matter of yards from the property. At least I think we didn’t intend on it. I like to think that we had a slightly better objective, though we probably didn’t. But that’s ok. We were young and that seems to cover us from any wrong doing. We were only kids.

I know that there’s a difference between acts of vandalism (in my case really stupid ones) and liking Something Corporate, but the principal remains the same. I look back fondly at my pillaging of that incomplete building while I scoff at my adoration of The All American Rejects. I’m not sure why this is. Both are aspects of my development as a person, but the one just seems silly now. And not in a good way.

I’m not quite sure what my point is, but I do know that we as humans are incredibly dumb to think that just because we liked something back when we had acne and braces is somehow a reflection of who we are now that we passed that awkward stage (I don’t have braces or acne but I am still incredibly awkward). The truth is the you that you are now is not the same person who thought that The Breakfast Club was the most life affirming thing ever. That’s fine that you don’t share that sentiment anymore, but it is also fine that you once did.

So wear your youthful likes proudly on your sleeve. Things were better before you became old and jaded, even if it seems dumb that you once weren’t.