If I died how would you know?*

*I looked through various books and searches but I couldn’t find that this topic has been written about. I mean, I’m sure it has been, but I found nothing where I felt I had really ripped off the idea. I had a feeling I was, but I guess my feeling was wrong. It happens with me. A lot.

So I die. (We’re all going to die. But for the moment let’s just focus on me dying and my being dead.)

How would you find out? Outside of my immediate family I really don’t know how people would know that I have crossed over to the otherside. My parents would obviously know. My brothers would know because they are in constant contact with my mom and dad. My extended family would get the news of my death and they would relay it to other parts of my exteneded family. So within time, probably quickly, my family will completely know that I’m dead. This seems like it would be fair simple to get done. Maybe somewhere in the news getting out it gets a little muddled. Maybe someone hears something wrong. I would hope it’s something rather frightening. For instance, if my relative misheard that I got caught in a fire work factory and there was an electrical fire. I’m sure one of my family member would say that Keith went up like the fourth of July. I like to think that if I did die that way my family would celebrate it by holding sparklers and drinking an American lager.

But of course I wouldn’t have died in a freak fire work catastrophe. For the sake of being realistis and practical, let’s say that I meet my end by getting into a car accdient. Some guy totally cut me off on rt.22 and I was startled and jerked the wheel of my car into a divider. And that’s the end of me.

So after everyone in my immidiate family knows they could scatter and start providing the news of my death to friends of theirs. I imagine the conversation would go likie this:

Family Member: Hey man.

Friend: Yo. What’s going on for tonight?

Family: Not much. Well, my stupid releative is dead.

Friend: Whoah, what happened?

Family: Hit a tree or a divider or something. He was a shitty driver anyway.

Friend: Yeah, from what I can recall I didn’t like him.

Family: Not many people do.

Friend: So you going to his funeral and wake and all that?

Family: Only for the food after.

Friend: Smart move. You didn’t even know the kid.

Family: Sure didn’t.


So a lot of strangers will be showing up to look at me in a box all caked up and eat food. Fair enough.

But what about my friends? How would they get the word of my passing? I bet that some of them wouldn’t be able to go to my funeral. I don’t really blame them. It’s just me in a box and you have to stand in line and although you get those awesome cards to carry around to show that you’ve been around dead people at some point in your life, it’s just not worth it.

I bet that more than anything mywake will really suck. Not because of the event we are dealing with. But mostly because it’s just going to be my family. I kind of was looking forward to have my ceremony be paraded through the streets. Sort of like the pope. And people could come and see me in all my awful glory. And they’d walk away happy because they know that they said they were going to do something and they did it. And maybe that’s how their marriage gets saved. Because of my death and my outlandish ceremony.

So you’re welcome couple. Have a long and happy one.

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