Archive for January, 2011

My Fear Of Falling Asleep

January 31, 2011

I love to sleep. I really love to sleep. But I hate sleeping at night.

Let me explain: Once I go to bed at night I know that I’ll have to get up in the morning and go about my day (ie: get out of bed, put on clothes, go to work, shave my hairless cat Oscar, conversate with my horeshoe crab Gary).

Now, all these day to day tasks aren’t all that bad. But thinking about them is. Knowing that I have to do them makes them seem awful. While getting up is the first thing you do when you start your day, falling asleep is the thing that allows the getting up to happen. Which means that falling asleep is the one thing that creates my anxiety. Not actually doing these tasks, but thinking of them.

This is certainly a stupid way to live. I shouldn’t be anxious, but I am and it’s all because of my irrational fear of having to get up. The night before a day where I have nothing to do allows me to have a somewhat decent night of sleep.

I’ve tried to find a reasonable way to deal with this problem and have so far come up with none. Being a recluse isn’t a very good way to get through your day. With that being said, I really do like sleep. So maybe locking my door and closing my blinds is the best thing to do. Or maybe it’s the only thing to do. You know, besides actually living my life and just dealing with my stupid fears.


What “It” Is

January 30, 2011

Being that I am involved in the “art” community, I have had encounters with various people within the walls of this sophisticated gathering. These people range from being down to earth to overly eccentric. From completely distant to disgustingly self-involved.

One thing that is apparent when you find yourself among people who are into the fine arts is that everyone tends to get it. If you play your hand right they’ll think that you get it, too. They’ll probably even say something along the lines of “you get it”. And you’ll nod and smile because it feels good to feel like you belong somewhere. But behind your bobbing head and flashing teeth you’ll be confused as hell. Because while you seem to get it, you have no clue what it is.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the it that these people speak of is simply a way to feel a bit better than everyone else. Kind of like they’re in on a secret that the rest of the world simply can’t comprehend. If you try to get in on the forbidden knowledge that is held within the confines of this group, they’ll laugh. You can’t get it, they’ll say. You won’t ever get it unless (and until) they say that you do. It’s an exclusive club and not many people fit the mold that has been set for entry.

I would like to point out that I’m slightly a hypocrite when it comes to this topic. Being that I am a part of this group (sort of by choice and definately by chance) I shouldn’t be mocking it. Afterall, these are my people. I don’t know why they’re my people, but they are.

But while being a hypocrite I am also a fraud. No matter how many times people will tell me, the truth is I don’t get it. I just do things because, well, I just do. There’s no real though behind it. It just is. So maybe that’s all that it really is. Just doing what comes naturally. If that’s the case then I don’t see what’s so special about having it. Everyone has it. And if everyone has it than it must not be all that noteworthy.

So when discussing what this magical it is, it’s safe to say that it is simply what it is. And it’s always going to be there even if it’s only backed by these vague ideas that don’t have that much rhyme or reason.

MTV and My Not So Vivid Memories of High School

January 24, 2011

There’s a new controversial show on MTV and much to my chagrin it’s not Who Wants To Snooker Snooki. But the show that they are running is called Skins. The show depicts a typical high school, though they really like to push for the bad* that is going on in a typical high school. Apparently the subject matter that is represented in the show is incredibly vulgar and quite risque. It has in turn garnered scorn from groups such as The Parents Television Council, a conservative media advocacy group.

The chief complaint from the PTC is the fact that several of the actors who are in the show are under the age of 18. One is 15, a super good age for drug use and prostitution. The council has called for the Justice Department (as opposed to the Justice League) to investigate the show for apparent child pornography.  Apparently the PTC doesn’t feel that the age of 15 is a good age for drug use and selling your body for sex.

Let me say, that I loathe censorship. This makes sense considering I’m a libertarian, granted not a card carrying one(for some reason I don’t feel like I should have to pay money to a group when it comes to ideas and beliefs). I feel that people should be able to do what they want, especially when it comes to media. It’s easy to click a button on your remote or TV and simply not watch a program.

With that being said there are somethings that should be not shown. And not because people don’t have the ability to turn off a program incredibly easily. But the fact that children are being forced to do these scenes that are clearly promoting a subject matter that can be detrimental to childen.

And hey, I knew about sex drugs in high school at a fairly young age. You’d have to be blind not to notice how things were. But this show seems to give the actors a good reason for doing these activities. And that just seems sad to me. Sure, they need parents consent to do this show. But what the fuck are the parents thinking? That their kids will make money and be famous for probably a rather short time. And for what? Being a young whore? For being a young person who likes to get high?

Part of my anger over the show stems from the fact that is that it doesn’t seem to unfold any of the problems in hgih school. Everyine knows that a growing individual is going to fall prey to the temptations of sex and drugs and all those temptations eventually help form you as a person. But why do we need a show that will only axaggerate the lives of teenagers. I don’t even care about the thoughts people have that this show will lead kids to want to live their lives like that. It probably will, but whatever. If not for that it would be some other thing. I just can’t get myself to believe that a show on a useless TV station such as MTV will chjange the layout of the average high school student to such an extreme.

As for the investigation that is being pressed to look into the show, if the crime is there then they most definately need to do something about it. But if it’s something that is only there if you actively half to look at it and really dive deep in ways a casual viewer would never do than I say let the show be.

It’s still a piece of shit and smut but let it be.

Why Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi Is My Hero

January 23, 2011

There are many things to dislike about the big haired creature. With that being said, we will not focus on any of them here. Instead we’ll praise her for being the epitome of what everyone wants (minus the creature thing).

Think about it. She’s a millionaire and famous for being nothing more than herself. A lot of people are famous and they are themselves, but it’s differen when it comes to Snooki. Her whole schtick is getting drunk, being obnonxious, having sex with strangers, and getting into fights. It’s kind of like she is living her life as if she were still an infant, albeit a grown up one. Her ID is out of control and good things are happening her because of it. And this is amazing to me.

Ms. Polizzi is living the American dream and I’m starting to think that the hatred people have for her is more due to the fact that she is famous for just living her life as she knows and that they aren’t afforded the luxury of doing the same. It’s out of envy rather than really caring. Snooki, on principle, shouldn’t be famous for the things she does and everyone knows this. Because everyone knows this it has become a matter of contention with people who secretley want to be her in some capacity. And this is all brought on only because the girl doesn’t know any better. She’s incredibly well known because of all her flaws. The fact she is able to do this shows how she should be admired. People hate her so much that they can’t help but look for new reasons to hate her. This makes her even more popular which in turn makes the vein in your head stick out. This virtual nobody is now a notable somebody all because she was able to piss people off.

If you ask me, this makes her pretty smart and all of us pretty dumb. So brava Snooki. Your quite the business woman.

Everyone Thinks About These Things

January 23, 2011

The other night I was sitting in my room on my laptop. I guess I was tired of seeing if anyone commented me on facebook (what a fucking lush I am) and found myself searching random things on google. I’m not really sure why I was doing this when I could be doing much more important and valuable* things with my time (even if it is the middle of the night).

Anyway, I began to type in various philosophical questions and saw that as I began typing them in google was able to suggest exactly what I was going to enter.  OK. That’s not really that big of a deal considering that philosophical questions are only such if they have been asked for a long time by a lot of people. But what of the random questions that google knows?

You can ask anything with google and they’ll be able to figure out what you were going to say. Which in turn means that other people have asked the same exact question you have. Which means that enough people have found enough interest in something you find interesting to go online and ask about it. Which kind of means that everyone everywhere is thinking the same damn thing.

This upsets me more than I find it comforting. I know that the idea that we are all the same is supposed to provide humanity with a sense of community and understanding, but to me it just signals how dumb we really are. Why in God’s name are people interested in stories about magnets? Why do people care about twiddling their thumbs? Why does anyone look up anything with the exact word sequence of bear shark octopus. Why!?

I realize that I am searching for these things and I sort of hate myself for searching. I don’t get why I do and I don’t get why anyone does. What is it that is inherantly in us that makes us think about these things? Why did evolution see fit to include this trait in our Id?

I think it’s probably because we’re really that dumb. And that upsets me. I guess I always held out hope that we were smarter than I thought.

Or that people were more orginial. You can try to be the only person to ever do something, but guess what? Someone else has muttered some random string of words together, too. That’s right. Someone thought to themselves, “I’m going to be the only person in the history of the world to say bull dog baby turtle freezer code combination outlets in the state of Pennsylvania.”

And that’s disappointing for an innumerable amount of reasons.

*Kind of redundant.

Waking Up Early And Why We Should Sleep In*

January 20, 2011

*I took Ambien tonight, and althought I said I would never write anything after taking the stuff,I feel the need to write. So here it is. Please go easy on the mistakes, misuse of words, poor grammar, and overall confusing aspect of what I write tonight. Thanks.

Why do you, as humans, wake up early? Animals rise eaarly to cathch their food supply. When the dawn starts just to break they are running around and putting things into action.

Humans wake up by hitting their snooze selveral times as well weighing the opition of the unplugging the whole thing. They begrudgingly get out of their warm, stressless bed and expeirence the cold darkness of their homes.

And when they are all ready for the day, meaning clean and stylded (with a shirt and tie and slacks) they drive there cars to a place where they stay for 8+ hours and convince yourself this is what it’s meant to be. And it is how it should be, I guess. There’s some sort of pride (thought I’m not sure what kind of pride it is) that comes from wearing a tie to work and working full time.

But I think we’d all rather sleep in. Sleeping is the best feeling ever. Even above  love making, drinking heavily, watching puppies run inna soft field, and the country of Canada.

It’s just so great to be able to say fuck it and get some sleep. And turning your head and turning off the alarm is equally amazing.

The Name Game

January 16, 2011

We all have certain names that we like and certain names that we can’t stand. These likes and dislikes all stem from experiences that we encounter in our lives.

For instance, remember that kid you hated back when you were in school? Or that guy who your girl friend left you for? Or that really creepy person who licked their lips constantly at work and subsequently made you uncomfortable? I bet you won’t be naming your kid the name of that person.

On the reverse, there are some names that you’ll grow attached to. They’ll be loosely (or strongly) associated with good memories in your life or people who have been a positive influence to you. This is why a lot of people will have their father or mother’s name somewhere in their name. Or why parents will name their children after their parents. It is also why you don’t find as many babies with the name Adolf these days.

So through my short life I’ve already made a list of names that I will never name my child (if I have one). It shouldn’t come that much of a shock that the names I’ve blacklisted are predominantly (meaning all) male. This is because all of these names a premarily hated because a lover has gone off with someone by that name. For whatever reason it’s easier for me to resent the guy who “broke” up the relationship rather than hating the girl. I’m not sure why this is, but I assume it’s because I have an emotional attachment with the female on turning off those feelings is much more difficult than hating a complete stranger.

I was thinking about listing the names I have found myself to loathe, but then decided that it’s not worth it. It comes off as trite and childish and considering the fact that I’ve tried reasonably hard to make this blog personal. yet in a universal way, listing names of other guys who have been with my ex-girl friends seems like crossing the line between common bond and creepy.

So I’ll just say that one of the names isn’t Rutherford. Rutherford is an amazing name. If a girl left me for a guy named Rutherford I’m pretty sure I’d just want to be his friend.

Thoughts On My Faulty Immune System

January 14, 2011

Being sick sucks. This is a universal truth. In fact, when you’re sick nothing else seems to matter other than you being sick. Which is why I’m writing about being sick. It is also why I’ve used sick in all but one sentence thus far.

I’ve tried to narrow down what is the worst part of being sick (I did it again!). I guess you could say coughing is the worst part. Especially the involuntary coughs that happen. You know, when you’re laying in bed and all of a sudden your body heaves.

Or it could be sneezing. It hurts the nose and makes a silly noise and it sometimes just won’t stop.

Or it could be the act of blowing your nose when you’re very congested. Sure it feels good when you first do it, but then you have to do it again and again. It’s like it doesn’t really work (I understand that science refutes this). And plus, because of all this blowing my nose I’ve shaved my make shift beard. Which means that my face is cold and I look like I’m 12 again.

Or it could be the constant flucuation of feeling hot and cold. One moment you’re stripping down and the next you’re bundling up. It’s tiring.

Or it could be the taste of certain medicines. I took Theraflu today and my god it tastes like the blackberry schnapps liqueur Black Haus. It’s just terrible. Just seeing photos of bottles of the stuff is enough to make my stomach let me know that I should never subject it to that liquid again.

So these are all thoughts on how being sick sucks and why it sucks.

It also kind of shuts down my mind. So the things I write are exceptionally bland when I’m sick. Apparently I’ve been sick for my entire life.

No One Should Do Anything but Sleep After Taking Ambien

January 11, 2011

Case and point: Several posts on here. I write late at night and usually it all stems from that moment of perceived clarity right before sleep. Ambien distorts that though. Instead of thoughts of clarity that are achieved naturally through my inability to sleep, I have these thoughts of nonsense that make sense because Ambien makes you think of nonsensical things as things that are truth.

You can also tell when I’m under influence of the wonderful sleep aid because my spelling suffers and I miss words in sentences and there’s a certain sense of the writing being rushed. I attribute this to the fact that I probably want to sleep but feel obligated to contribute something to this blog. I don’t really remember writing these posts until I have non-specific memories of writing something.

So in response to these poorly written, haphazardly phrased musings I have decided to not write after taking Ambien. At least not on here. This stuff is all far too golden (please note my sarcasm here) and having these kind of posts is detrimental to the overall serious themes and tone that this blog represents and strives for.

I’ll still probably write things when I drink too much. That’s what Hemmingway did. And Hemmingway is pretty famous. And that’s all anyone really wants. To be famous like Hemmingway.

The Worst in America

January 11, 2011

Ever sense the shootings over in Arizona have become public it’s been one big cluster fuck of politicians and people in the media yelling back and forth about how one side is to blame while the other side yells that the ither side is to blame,

It caught me off guard because of how simple it was. The sherrif spoke and insinuated that the shhoter was probably a right wing wacko who was quite clearly getting his info from places like Sarah Palin and Glen Beck. They never said anything to call fr violence. They did use symbolism which to me was always just that.

Maybe this guy shot at the congresswoman and those who just wnted to meet her simply because he just want to be known. I don’t know why this has happened. But clearly this had much more to do with him being a complete sociopath.

We should all just focus on that. That a wackjob did a horrible thing for no reasoning that makes any sense.

No more yelling.