I’m speaking of that loveable red nose reindeer Rudolph of course.
The story of the often heckled glowing nose fella’ has been a staple of the holiday season for as long as I can remeber (aproximately three weeks). The story goes on to tell how this unwanted misfit with the glowing nose eventually saves the day during a rather foggy Christmas Eve. Santa has no visibility and calls upon the mutant to get in the front of the pack and light the way in a kind of frightening red glow. At the conclusion of the tale, Rudolph saves the day, the toys get delivered, and Santa retains his job of delighting children the world over for another year.
While I have no doubt that this is how things actually took place, I often wonder how Rudolph got that shiny red nose (by often I mean constantly. It’s been consuming my thoughts. I think I have a problem). There a few possibilities for this occurence if you were to seek my humble opinion.
The first and weakest of the arguments is that Rudoplh was somehow exposed to some radiactive material while cascading the North Pole. Most like an old Soviet warhead, Rudolph, not being the brightest creature, would naturally play with the weapon of mass destruction by brushing his nose up against the cold metalic object.
The other option is that rudolph got punched in the nose by a fellow reindeer. It seemed pretty clear that his fellow Christmas travelers were not very kind to the guy. The name calling and caunstant bullying most likely got to the point of physical blows. Rudolph, not being very strong compared to the rest of sleigh pullers would have gotten his ass handed to him, so to speak. A very beaten nose could potentially keep it’s bright red disposition after enough beatings.
The last option and also the most possible, is that Rudolph had a little hobby. It gets lonely up at the North Pole. Besides the loneliness, it’s also pretty depressing with all the lack of sunlight and constant freezing weather. I imagine that it also takes quite an amount of stamina to be able to make toys for every child in the world. Same goes to those animal delivery men who have the task of a trucker on overdrive. There most be something more that the simple joy of making children happy allowing them to fly all over the world in such a short period of time. I’m speaking of course of cocaine.
Rudolph has been showing clear cut signs of being a cocaine user for years now. He’s always ready to go, but at every stop he has to step away from everyone else. He will have bad days where his fix hasn’t come in and he is just an insufferable bastard.
This brings us to the crux of the situation: Do we get him help? If you get him help Christmas could be ruined as we know it. I’m not for drug abuse, but if it’s what it gets him by than who am I to pass judgement. He hasn’t done anything negative to me. In fact, he’s only delivered bundles of joy to my home.
So I say lets let the deer have his cocaine. Better him than us, right?