Archive for December, 2010

Last Night I Had A Great Idea

December 30, 2010

And when I woke up it was gone.

See, I usually jot down ideas that find themselves traveling through the fairly empty cavity between my ears on a notebook that sits next to my bed. If I’m too lazy to reach for the notebook-o’-bad ideas, I’ll grab my cell phone and go to the electronic notebook and punch my rambling there. Following that I’ll go onto facebook mobile to see if anyone has poked me; the clear sign that someone finds me loveable.

The point is this: I’m usually better at remembering these tidbits of nothingness. For whatever reason last night I just didn’t do that good of a job of capturing the spark coming from my lone synapse. I honestly can’t remember anything about it. But let me tell you, it was good*. Hell, I’m done being modest. It was great**. And now it’s gone***. Forever****.

I don’t know why I’m wasting your time telling you about an idea that never came to be. I guess I’m just bored. And I guess that boredom makes me write here. And in a way, I’m forcing my boredom on you. So, thanks for being bored with me. Now you go on and get outside with your chalk and kick ball and play yourself some four-square. What a game.

*It probably wasn’t very good.

**It was most definately not great.

***It could resurface as something that I don’t find quite as great because I’m deleriously tired and slightly high on allergy medication. Maybe I’ll think of it while eating a waffle and I’ll just tuck it away and long for more waffles.

****Probably not forever. But if it is, it’s probably for the best. My diatribes on various figures from Norwegian mythology should probably never experience the world beyond my mind.


The Plight of the Aged Anarchist

December 29, 2010

As I listened to various albums that have been released in 2010 in order to sure up my end of the year ‘best of’ list, I came across several albums that I hadn’t gotten around to listening to. The most “controversial” album was certainly Against Me!’s realease, White Crosses. I use the term controversial fairly loosely. There is nothing that should get this record banned from anywhere or anything like that. Perhaps it’s controversial only because it’s pretty much a straight forward rock album with lyrics that don’t quite have the bite of their earlier contributions.

You see, Against Me! was a band that called for anarchy. In their songs, front man Tom Gabel would bark out stories of protest and throwing objects through glass windows. It was a “fuck authority” mentality that had something behind it. It wasn’t just an angry person being, well, angry. It was a person who was angry and wanted the world to join him in anger. Burn down the walls collectively. It was a unifying mentality and along with the anger came hope.

So as I listened to the bands newest release it was hard for me to not take into account that this once angry do-it-yourself punk band now recorded their music for a major record label. That doesn’t seem like the same band that on their best album (one of the best punk albums ever) Reinventing Axl Rose yelled out lyrics like: It’s the FBI; it’s the CIA; it’s the ATF, the IMF, NBC, CBS, fuck you. Instead of those angry cries we are treated to Gabel singing of what was and what he has since grown out of. On the track I Was A Teenage Anarchist we find a once angry young man turned contemplative adult. As he sings out that the “revolution was a lie” you can’t help but hear a certain since of longing. Perhaps longing for a time where having ideals that seemed radical still felt within your grasp.

This seems to make sense to me. As I find myself stumbling through life in the “real world” I realize that many of those things that I believed in when I was younger simply don’t work. It’s basically how when I was in high school and decided for about a week I would call myself a communist. I read books on the subject and simply couldn’t figure out why this was such an unattainable concept. I originally wanted to align myself with the cause because it wasn’t mainstream. It was something that made me stand out from everyone else. I went along with learning about it to cement my stance.

The interesting thing is that apparently I was the only sophomore who really cared about concepts involving political theory. There was no doubt that my views were different from others in my class, but it was a losing battle. I tend to think that believing in anarchy must have had the same result.

Anarchy and other thoughts involving a utopian society where people help each other just because it’s the right thing to do are able to exist only in the mind of youth. The world is out there, but the full extent of it is not yet known. Eventually you realize that you have to get a job (even if you don’t like what you do) because you need to eat. You can’t grow your food because the land you own simply isn’t cut out for it so you have to do your shopping at a chain-grocery store because the mom and pop grocer’s products are simply too high priced. You have to pay taxes and while you can loudly gripe about your disdain for them you need a lodging with running water and heat. The list goes on and on and as it goes so does those ideals you had when you were younger.

While many people look at a full fledge anarchist remembering fondly the days where he just wanted to “set the world on fire” while also fronting a corporate logo as being hypocritical, I see it as something kind of beautiful. We all get older. We all lose those thoughts and beliefs we once held dear. Why not look back at them fondly? Take them for what they were. A moment in time that has now passed.

Afterall, everyone needs to eat.

If I ever Become Famous

December 29, 2010

If I ever happen to stumble upon fame, whether it be warrented or otherwise, please remind me to never spend too much time at the Chateau Marmont Hotel on Sunset Boulevard.

Let me first say that it seems like it’s a pretty amazing place to go. I know people who have gone there and they all give it rave reviews. But after watching a biography on John Belushi, I’ve thought about the Chateau Marmont and realized that it’s a lavish place to visit, but I’m not sure I want to die there stowed away in a room.

Ok, yes. The Chateau had nothing to do with Belushi’s death. His dependance on drugs is what got him in the end. A building can’t be blamed for that. But let’s look at other notable happenings at this happening location (in the interest of being fair, both good and bad things will be shown).

It’s often thought that one of the greatest songs in rock n’ roll history, Hotel California by The Eagles, was a reference to Marmont. That’s kind of cool, but it’s also pretty messed up when you look at the lyrics. Certainly Don Henley was speaking of drug addiction when he penned the final lyrics of the song (“Relax” said the night man, “We are programmed to receive/You can check out anytime you like. but you can never leave”). He was also also speaking of a life style marred with over indulgence. The Chateau is clearly a place that portrays this style of living prominently. But don’t just take my opinion and Henley’s lyrics. There are other examples that show the lavish lifestyle that the Marmont represents.

Various other celebrities have found that the hotel suited their needs the best. Jim Morrison, the pompous drug addicted member of The Doors, frequented the establishment often. One memorable episode that took place there had Morrison falling onto a shed while attempting to swing into his room via the window.

Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist John Frusciante resided at the hotel at the height of his drug addiction.

Everyone’s favorite gonzo journalist, Hunter S. Thompson, was a chronic patron of the hotel.

Lindsay Lohan stayed at the hotel following her drunk driving arrest.

Keeping with the woes of driving, Helmut Newton, a fashion photographer, died when he crashed his car into the building.

Continuing with the bad luck experienced at the local, F. Scott Fitzgerald suffered a heart attack while staying there. The Great Gatsby is one of my favorite books and Fitzgerald one of my favorite writers. He most certainly found himself to be quite taken by the party life style. This was allowed to thrive at the Chateau.

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson met there, and since then people have been scratching their heads wondering just what exactly Ms. Wood saw in the make up faced satanist. Perhaps if the Marmont had not existed we wouldn’t have to be puzzled by this question.

Heath Ledger was seen at the hotel at a party where people around him were taking drugs. Ledger died of an accidental overdose a week before the footage of the party was shown on the TV shows The Insider and Entertainment Tonight.

To point out a good thing about the hotel, Montgomery Clift stayed there after he was in a car accident. He stayed at a penthouse leased by Elizabeth Taylor where he would recuperate.

Brittany Spears was banned from the Marmont after she rubbed her dinner on her face (I don’t get it either). So, I guess if you really don’t like Brittany Spears this is a plus for you.

And Howard Hughes moved into the attic of the Chateau and while there he would look down at the pool area and spy on attractive females with binoculars. So if you want to be a creep, you can also stay there.

As for me? I would rather stay at the HoJo. You know what you’re getting when you go there and that’s fine with me. No need for luxury when all I need is a bed and a roof and if I’m lucky, continental breakfast.

Done With Writing About Christmas (but since it’s Christmas Eve..”

December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas to my fellow humans living in countries to the east of me. I hope it’s been a good one.

So while I was with a friend getting coffee, we started to discuss how some people get up in arms over the phrase merry Christmas. They’ll go out of their way to tell you that they’re not Christian, or that they don’t believe in God. And this leads me to thinksomething that I’ve long suspected: People suck.

I don’t understand why people feel the need to say things like that. If someone were to come up to me and wish me something that is nice, I wouldn’t come back at them with a snide remark. There’s no reason to. The intent of wishing someone a merry Christmas is always good. People aren’t trying to force religion on you. They’re just saying they hope you have a happy day. The day happens to be a staple for a religion, but so what? Just take the intent of it. Don’t take the religious aspect of it. When I say this to people I don’t say it because I want them to convert. I say it because it’s a nice thing to say.

So, if someone wishes you a merry Christmas, or for you to have a good whatever-religious-holiday it is, just take it as someone being nice to you and wishing you have a good day. That’s it. Smile, say you too, and move along. No reason to be a dick about it.

Done With Writing About Christmas

December 18, 2010

That’s that. I’ve had enough. I don’t know what broke my spirit about the topic, but I’m just tired of it. It was fun at first and it no longer is.

Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that recently I got let go of my job. Let me clear in saying that me losing my job around the holidays is no where near the same as a parent losing their job and being made to chose between food or presents.

Still though, it sucks. It sucked so much that I felt the need to drink myself stupid after they let me go. As you already know, hitting the bottle was the completely responsible and correct response to the predicament. It was such a good idea that I managed not only to hit the bottle but also the floor on several occasions.

I woke up the next morning (actually several times before the morning now that I think of it) running to the porcelean God to pay my respects. He didn’t seem so pleased with my sacrifice, but to be honest neither was I (I hadn’t eaten anything all day before I started consuming barley and wheat). So disheartned I would go lay shaking in my bed before doing my best to praise him again.

The point of me telling this story is that I missed two days of writing about Christmas in my “25 Days of Christmas” series. You would probably think that I could easily write two 300 word essays about Christmas fairly quickly and you’d be right. I could. But I didn’t. I fell behind and didn’t feel like catching back up, even though I could easily catch up and no one would notice I had missed a day. Seriously, who reads this thing anyway?

So no more Christmas talk. Or at least, no more planned Christmas musings (I may still need to bring up the holiday if I get that ugly sweater I so badly want).

#12 – 25 Days of Christmas: Do Communists Celebrate Christmas?

December 13, 2010

No. Not in public anyway.

In a communist state the government is God, so unless the state claims to have had a virgin birth then Christmas is a no-no. This makes me think though, imagine the things that a communist nation could do instead of Christmas?

It’s assumed that as Americans Christmas is one of the best times of the year (an oddly also one of the most depressing). Why not have a communist country combat the happiness that comes from Christmas with an equally happy holiday. They could call it Mao Day. And all the little girls lucky enough to be born on Mao Day don’t get left on a hill to die.

See, it’s miracles like that that make life worth living.

Happy Mao Day everyone.

#11 – 25 Days of Christmas: Why are Elves So Tiny?

December 13, 2010

There is an obvious answer to this question; a question pontificated over by the greatest minds in the world ( Einstein, Edison, Smirnoff, Wizards the world over, etc).

To think that the answer would come from a 22 year old sleep deprived male sitting alone in his bedroom.

The reason is simple. Elves are tiny because Santa Clause is also a rather short man. To keep him from feeling inferior the elves are put through machines where their growth is constricted and limited. This also allows their tiny hands to fit into tiny toys and other small trinkets. This bodes well for the reindeer during their enema times.

It’s monday every week. Got to get them to fly somehow.

#10 – 25 Days of Christmas: What Do the Lonely Do With The Misletoe?

December 11, 2010

The obvious answer would be to find another lonely person and have at it. Unfortunately, lonely people ar e ashy bunch. And more often than not, they find comfort in their lonliness. It’s a club that no one else is invited into. Kind of like that writer or painter who is so immersered in the drink that they could never possibly realize that there are others just like them looking for a friend. Or at least someone to drink with.

So what are we to do? Wait under the plant for relatives to give us awkward half opened mouthed kisses? Hope that that one uncle everyone has always suspected as being gay  come by and and plant one on you the good old fashiopned gay family way?

These ideas kind of seem like they would just lead to more sadness and less feelings of self worth. I guess you could always simply burn down every plant that you come in contact with. Fuck it if it;s the Christmas tree or your aunts prized rose bush. Burn the fucker down. Seeing things burning into nothing must feel better than standing under a most likely artificial plant waiting for someopne who you want to kiss you to kiss you.

I say you leave the fire at ho0me. As much fun as it seems like it could be, it could go terribly wrong. And really, you don’t want to be the dickhead who burnt down the house on Christmas because you couldn’t find somneone to take pity on you and give you a soft pointless kiss under an even more pointless piece of shrubbery.

So I say spend your time carving a puppet. It doesn’t have to be good. It just has to be something that you’re comfortable with. Who cares if it looks like Vladamir Putin or the Lucky Charm guy. All that matters is that you’ll be getting a kiss underneath that God damn missletoe.

And hey, if you play your cards right maybe that puppet will spend the night. I mean, afterall, puppets are the whores of the world. So you got that going for you.

Remember to wear protection though. Or at least sand them down. Splinters are a bitch.

#9 – 25 Days of Christmas: The Day (week) After Christmas Hangover

December 10, 2010

Note that this doesn’t have to have anything to do with partaking in too much holiday cheer. I was thinking more of the let down that occurs after Christmas comes and goes. How the decorations are still up. Radio stations still play Christmas songs but they just leave you feeling cheap. Suddenly stores start slashing the prices of Christmas merchandise making you feeling even cheaper. Kind of like you got duped by the whole Christmas mirage.

Well I have a way for you to not have to deal with the let down that follow Christmas that almost always make you feel bad. Simply avoid them. I suggest just sleeping for a week. Right through New Years Eve (probably the worst holiday).  When you wake up, it’ll be a new year and you won’t have to make promises you won’t keep. Plus you get out of the aawful celebrations that occur on New Years Eve. A bunch of people getting together in a crammed room with shitty music and shitty food and shitty drinks and shitty small talk. If you’re dating someone, the two of you are going to fight. You won’t even know why you’re fighting but you will. And it’ll probably be your fault.

So I say avoid the whole thing. Take a Nyquil vacation. Benadryl could work too. Just escape for awhile. It’ll do you good. I promise.

#8 – 25 Days of Christmas: What the Heck Should You Get me?

December 9, 2010

It’s easy. Don’t get me anything!

Instead, just head over to this blog and give it a read. That’s all you have to do. Hell, even if you hate my guts, check it out. I’m sure it will give you even more to hate me for.

And besides, I base my self worth on how many people read this. The most that have glanced at this web page on one day was 31 (I think. 31 or 32. Let’s go with 31 for modesty). If I were to get maybe 35, wow would my self-essteem sky rocket.

It doesn’t take much to click on a link. It takes so little effort it’s like you’re hardly doing anything.

Of course I would love if you read what I wrote. I think I make some stupidly valid points. And if you come from a Libertarian political mindset then you might like me even more. Or if you like to laugh (which I know you do) you can have a few at the expense of me.

If you happen to see me in public after reading my blog you can scoff when I tell you that it’s hard being a freelance writer which is why I’m working my awful low-paying job and writing on this blog for free.

You could even lie to me and make me smile by saying that while you don’t always agree with the points I present, you respect that I present them in such a focused manner.

You could say that you think my dream of writing for a paying publication (like the Huffington Post, Alternative Press, The Weekly Standard, The Onion, etc…) are very close to becoming reality.

Or you could go point by point about something I wrote and rip me to shreads. That way I’ll know you at least took the time to read it.

Or you could ignore this. We can have 31 people out of the billions on the planet be the only ones to ever lets their eyes linger on this website.

I guess that’s kind of neat. Being one of the few to ever see something. If I were good at math I’d work out a fraction and the point would be even more staggering.

But alas, no fractions will be shown. But imagine if they were? Imagine that.