I think there may be something wrong with me (something that if you’ve ever had a conversation with me you probably picked up on).
I’m not sure why I have a tendency to miss things before there is any reason to miss them, whether it be a person or place or job or whatever. I remember laying in bed with an ex (we were together at the time) and feeling like these moments were fleeting. It turns out they were, but they were only fleeting because I guess things have a tendency to end. I don’t know if my feelings of realizing the end was coming was anything other than stupid fear of something I held dear fading away, or if I just had an underlying sense that this was going to happen before it did. Or maybe, my fear of it ending could somehow be felt by my ex and she decided that she needed someone who wasn’t nearly as insecure and afraid of her leaving. Perhaps my legitimate (and now oddly proven) fear of her leaving was a turn off. Not because it showed how much I cared for her, but it showed how I depended on her for happiness. And maybe she couldn’t take that pressure. Or something about a guy loving a girl and realizing that she is all that he wanted frightened her.
Either way, I blame myself for it. Sure it’s an unfair reaction to the matter. You can’t tango with one person and what not and break ups are somehow the same way (even though they really aren’t. Two people can contribute but it’s fairly unusual to have two people equally end a relationship. That’s the truth despite what TV says).
Another example of this needless kind of thinking: I’m currently taking an EMT course where we are broken up into smaller groups and work together through the duration of the course. I have grown fond of my fellow group members and sincerely enjoy their company. While sitting in class a week or two ago I realized that after this course there is a decent probability that I will never see these people again.
That kind of thinking is pretty nonsensical when you consider the fact that we’ve exchanged phone numbers and no one is really that hard to get a hold of nowadays. But all those things require effort and maybe we won’t find it in us to make that effort. After all, people have a lot of things going on in their lives and meeting up with some people who used to be strangers and who have managed to become acquaintances might not be high on their list of priorities.
This kind of thinking really kind of sucks. I think I’m going to try to not think so much. Maybe take a holiday from my brain.
By means of a lobotomy of course. See you on the other side of the procedure.