Archive for September, 2010

What My Senior Yearbook Quote Should Have Been

September 30, 2010

Year book? Yearbook? Which? Whatever.

Now that that’s out of the way we can go to the topic at hand. And the topic is listed above.

I don’t know why I’m talking about this, except for the fact that I’ve been drinking a lot of PBR and being intoxicated sometimes makes me feel nostalgic. So, senior year of highschool was a good year for me. So it makes sense that I would go back to a good time in my life. Not that now is bad or anything. It’s pretty good right now as well. As good as it could be. I’m trailing. Enough.

So my yearbook quote was, and I quote: “It is a tale told by idiots. Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.” Sexy, I know. The fun part of that quote is that I don’t have any memory of putting it in the yearbook (or year book ((see above)) ). And because of that quote I won the senior superlative “Most likely to Off Themselves” which to this day I think is a harsh superlative to give out. I also got ‘Class Actor’ which I guess makes sense, since creative people are more likely to suffer from mental disorders. Seriously. You think ‘Dumb and Dumber’ was great just because?

If I could go back Iwould probably change that quote. Not that it means anything. I’m sure only my family, perhaps a few friends, and my girl friend at the time even bothered looking at my senior picture (others may look just to wonder if in fact I did off myself). But if I could go back, what would I change it to? Would I have been witty? Youthful? Innocent? Or delightfully straight forward, kind of like my senior quote currently and forever is?

Well, just because it’s fun to think back to senior year of high school and wonder about what could have been if I wasn’t what I was, here’s a few ideas of sneior quotes I possibly would have taken over the one that I did take.

“It happens.”-George Washington

Sums up life, right? Oh if I only knew what I know now when I was younger..

“Death and taxes and a booze for dealing with both.”-Ben Franklin

“If I were a wise man, I would be wise.”-Phillip Seymour Hoffman

“Don’t mistake me for a friend, Mr. Bond. I am far from that to you.”-George W. Bush

“Sometimes a person has to be a person and a dog has to be a dog. But other times a dog has to be a person and a dog has to be something other than a person. So, something like a branch or a baboon.”-Stephen Hawking

“Some vegetables aren’t vegetables at all. My vegetable is one of those.”-George Washington Carver

“I like to know where my laundry has been done because then I can tell if it was done in the appropriate way.”-Kramer from Seinfeld.

And finally…

“Mr. Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorffwelchevoralternwarengewissenschaftschafe rswessenschafewarenwohlgepflegeundsorgfaltigkeitbeschutzenvonangreifeudurch ihrraubgierigfeindewelchevoralternzwolftausendjahresvorandieerscheinenersch einenvanderersteerdemenschderraumschiffgebrauchlichtalsseinursprungvonkraft gestartseinlangefahrthinzwischensternaitigraumaufdersuchenachdiesternwelche gehabtbewohnbarplanetenkreisedrehensichundwohinderneurassevonverstandigmens chlichkeitkonntefortpflanzenundsicherfeuenanlebenslanglichfreudeundruhemitn icheinfurchtvorangreifenvonandererintelligentgeschopfsvonhinzwischenternart Zeus igraum Senior, your table is ready.”

Goodness the internet is a stupid place..


What Were All Those Gals Really Like?

September 27, 2010

Whether it be Allison, Beth, Barbara Ann, Caroline, Layla, or Michelle, these lucky (or unlucky) women have dated people who sing and play instruments and have become the subject of a song. They’ll even have the pleasure of not only being the subject of the song, but having the thing named after them. Which leads me to wonder, who are these women and how do they feel about forever being etched in entertainment history?

As usual, I’m not really going to research the meanings of any of these songs because I am lazy and facts are kind of dumb when you’re just rolling with it.

Sometimes when I can’t sleep at night (which is ually every night, though it’s not every night that I think about this) I think about these women. What they were really like. Not just the perception that’s given in the song. Afterall, a song is really a one sided account of something or someone. There’s no back and forth. So what were these girls like? What were they really like?

I bet they were just girls. And there’s nothing wrong with that. People are just people, usually, unless they are a hybrid of some sort (I’m looking at you goat-people). People, in nature, are flawed. But we are also beautiful beings at times. And unfortunately, these women are being viewed for one moment of their long existance. So forever in the minds of casual observers, ‘so-and-so’ will forever be the wild girl, or the whore, or the crazy girl, or the breathtaking girl, or the girl who moved away, or the girl who slashed some tires, or that girl who took my socks and washed them with her red shirt causing me to have pink socks (thank you so much Bethany!).

So, let’s look at these songs just as little tiny moments in time. Just moments that were either wonderful, heartbreaking, infuriating, or just something that happened to happen. Besides, we’re all be dead before long anyway so these songs won’t really mean much after that.

My Headers are Better Than My Body

September 25, 2010

That’s what she said. Hey-o! But seriously.

At night, after doing countless word search puzzles to calm my wandering thoughts of loss of self worth, I tend to jot down ideas for things to write. As of late, namely blog entries.

The same goes for when I’m at work slightly adjusting Depends Grownup Diapers. After thinking that my future will probably entail myself making a mess in my pants, I think of random ideas to write about. They all seem grand at the time and I save them in my cell phone as a draft. And they sit there for what seems like forever since I seldom remember typing them in.

One thing seems to be clear, though. All of those clever titles or ideas that seemed interesting at the time never seem to translate to something of substance.

Which is sad, because I have so many great titles that invoke a discussion on using babies as sponges(they are soft and maleable). Or using sponges as babies (they clean up nice). Or nixing both and just getting yourself a coffee and a frisbree and playing catch with yourself while preaching to no one in particular about the uses of sponge preventing babies.

Point being, there is no point. This is possibly the worst post out of many posts that are just awful. I apologize.

A Story About A Spider I Think I Killed

September 23, 2010

A few nights ago while sitting in my room listening to some music (I believe it was a Tuesday, which is when I listen to old sitcom theme songs on loop for hours trying to match them up with other old sitcoms) a spider ran from beneath my dresser. It was a fairly large spider, though in actuality quite small when compared to a human. Despite that, I was quite startled and threw down a book upon the ‘beast’ (I don’t recall what book I threw but I kind of wish it was Charolette’s Web just for the irony).

I thought I had gotten the little guy but then saw him scamper by again. So I did what any man would do: I left the room and took some tylenol PM to take off the edge. When I deemed enough time had gone past I came back to room and the little guy ran right by me again. This time my aim was a bit better and I hit him. So I like to think anyway. Not to be graphic, but there were remnants of the spider (ie: a leg, some spider insides, ect..) but no real sign of the rest of the spider. I searched my room and there was nothing but a tiny little blob of nothing. Which then made me think. Was there more than one spider infiltrating my room? If so, what did they want? Why did they choose my room when there are far better rooms in my house for spiders?

Needless to say, I’ll never know. But I have a very bad feeling that a badly bruised spider will cause the spider community to become angry and motivated. I’m fearing a spider Jihad may be upon us. Or me. Most likely just me.

So if you happen to see a spider, smile and say sorry for me. It was all just a big misunderstanding.

When A Girl Tells You They Want to Be Single (and how to have fun when finding that out)

September 23, 2010

When a girl tells you they want to be single they never really want to be single. Don’t get me wrong, some gals do want to be single, but it’s never because they want to be single. Now, I could be a simpleton, but most girls I know who are single dabble in affairs with other men when they become single. I guess single for girls is different than being single for a guy. Or more accurately, a guy like me.

See, girls may not want to be in a relationship with a guy because they do not want to be tied down. And that, in all honesty, is completely fine with me. Live your life. But I’ve noticed that a lot of the girls I have met who have gone this gingle route have simply moved on from a steady relationship to several rendezvous with other men. Which, again, is fine. But don’t say you’re single because you’re not. Yiou may not have a boyfriend but you certainly aren’t alone.

Now, it could be that I’m the kind of person who is all in when it comes to relationships. When I care for someone, I care hard (please do not take that as something sexual even though I can think of several semi funny puns). Just because you’re ‘single’, some people still need to have someone else to latch onto. It doesn’t mean they are single are single though, it just means they are with several men in short intervals.

I know you may think that I’m calling all single women whores. I’m not. Just because you go on dates doesn’t mean that you’re a whore. It’s a healthy life style that people need to do to find people who they could spend a large part of their life with, and also help find out things about themselves (for instance, I found out that Charles Barkley was not the one for me, although I will never say anything negative about the mans cuddling skills. It was just the tops).

But to say you want to be single and then go on various dates defeats the purpose to me. I may be bitter, but every girl I’ve dated who wanted to be single to ‘find’ themselves ended up being with someone within a matter of weeks. This leads me to my view that girls who want to be single are really jsut shopping around for someone else. Which sucks if you’re me, because I feel like Caldor when it comes to the relationship shopping game.

But let’s not pretend there is this thinly veiled rouse of freedom when it comes to being single when you’re just looking for someone else. Again, there is nothing wrong with that, but let’s jsut call it what it is: Not wanting to be with the one who you were once with.

I think we can all agree that it is not fun to be dumped, no matter how confident you are in yourself. You could even have other interests lined up but you’ll still feel that stinging feeling of not being ‘good’ enough. But there are ways to combat that awful feeling. Here’s a short list of things to dow hen the love of your life wants to be ‘single’.

1. Punch something weaker than you. It will get your anger out and make you feel more like a man. That baby in the stroller shouldn’t have given you that look and you need to put it in it’s place.

2. Punch a wall. You will probably hurt your hand (unless you punch like that baby you struck earlier) and possibly put a whole in your wall. But this gives you the perfect reason to put up you Jonas Brother’s poster to cover the unsightly gash in your wall.

3. Drink heavily. It won’t solve anything, but it will make you feel like you can talk to and get with any girl you happen to see. And when you’re on your knees vomitting chocolate flavored beer in the only stall at The Office, you can pat yourself on the back because you’ve done a great job at drinking. Or a poor one. I tend to see the cup half full.

4. Sleep in as long as you can. When you sleep, you won’t have to think of being lonely. Don’t get me wrong, you still will be and you may even ave dreams that make the situation seem worse, but you may also have dreams that make no sense that will leave you pondering. And let me tell you, pondering the meaning of a dream involving a penguin and a sour faced Pete Rose who won’t share his fruit roll ups is much better than sitting up and thinking about your ex doing awful bodily things with some other guy.

5. Punch yourself. Not too ahrd, but hard enough to make you forget about the failure of your relationship. The effects won’t last long so be prepared for a long night of awkward body movements and needing to buy cover up. I know that I’d be black if I not for that wonderful cosmetic product.

I hope these ideas will help you move on from your rejection. And let’s face it, even if it hasn’t, that baby had it coming to it.

If You Call Someone From A Restricted Number and Threaten Someone…

September 22, 2010

You’re a scumbag. Not only are you a scumbag, but you’re a coward. And no matter how tough you think you are because you can drink and take a number from someones phone, you’re a child. If you have issues with someone, man up. Games are shit.

I am not a violent person. I believe people should use reason and understanding to deal with whatever issue is going on. But if it ever came to a point where reason and understanding could not be reached (probably due to the fact that some people are fucking tools) at least have the fortitude to show your face. Instead of hiding behind a restricted number or a car screeching down the street.

So, if you have a problem with someone, be a man and not a boy. You’re not tough. You’re not funny. You’re nothing but a tool who will go nowhere in life. Have fun with that. I’ll try not kick you as I step over the gutter.

My Favorite Animals are Usually Looked Down Upon

September 19, 2010

Case and point: Elephants; Manatees.

Those are my favorites. Both of them, unfairly I may add, are looked down upon. Especially manatees. I mean ‘sea cows’? Come on. They are lovely creatures. Hell, even cows are pretty neat. They give us milk and cheese and yogurt and ice cream and steak and the lovely sport of cow tipping.

So perhaps we should praise these animals. Afterall, they are much better than those God awful ants. To find out my opinion of ants read back a little bit where I somehow bring ants into a discussion of racism. I’m an odd one for sure.

Also, sorry that this is so short and pointless. My creative gene (shockingly I have one, I think) got punched in it’s figurative throat today. I’ll do better next time.

Same Sex Marriage and Why I have No Problem with It

September 17, 2010

Before I begin my statement/opinion on the subject, we’re going to have a very quick English lesson that uses some big words (or word) that some people probably have never heard of. So let’s begin phase one of this little adventure.

Etymology. That’s the big word I spoke of before. All this word means is ‘the study of words’. Which is really simple when you think about it since everyone is studying something whether it be words (etymology), cats (felinology), or the study of monsters (teratology). OK? Good.

So anyway, what those fine etymologists have discovered is that words are dynamic rather than stagnant. Meaning, words can change over time. Take for instance the word ‘fat’ for starters. Fat’s primary definition is having too much flabby tissue; corpulent; obese. OK. So now we know what the word fat means. Or do we? Beneath that definition we all know lies 28 other definitions. That’s right. A three letter word has 29 definitions. It is so vast that it even changes it’s function. Rather than just being an adjective used to describe something, it can be used as a noun as well as a verb and an idiom. Quite a lot of knowledge to take in for one tiny word (get it?).

My argument has nothing to do with the many uses of fat though. It’s just there to serve as an example that words over time change, and often an change quite drastically.

Which brings me to marriage. If we look up the term marriage we’ll find this, word for word, as it’s first definition:

–noun 1. a. the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. b. a similar institution involving partners of the same gender: gay marriage.

Wait a second. That just doesn’t seem right. Afterall, isn’t marriage only between a man and a woman? Well, according to part B of the definition, the answer is no. Throughout time the word has changed to fit the current situation that we live in. And this isn’t some breathtaken event. In fact, it happens quite often, especially following the technological boom. No longer are cookies simply delicious treats. No longer are files things to put paper in. As time has gone on, we’ve had to adapt. And as we adapt our language adapts. Which is exactly why language isn’t some dead institution. Quite the opposite. Language is a living mechanism and we are reminded of it every day, though some like to dismiss it.

Another typical argument that is made to stifle those people who are championing equal rights for homosexuals is that it’s just not right. Biologicaly it simply doesn’t work. To this point, I do admit they have a point. After all, two men cannot have children. Two women cannot bear the others seed. It simply doesn’t work like that.

But who cares?

There are many, many, many heterosexual couples whoare married and are perfectably capable of having children and choose not to. Should we look down on them because they don’t want to raise a child? Regardless of their reasoning, it’s their right to abstain from being part of child rearing. But seldom do we look down on their choice.

Why we look down on same sex couples because the biology doesn’t work simply baffles me when we have couples who have all the working parts to have children and we just keep our mouths shut. It’s their choice. Just like it’s a homosexual couples choice to be wed. It simply does nothing to me when I see a same sex couple holding hands down the street.

I suppose this could be due to the fact I have been raised in an age where tolerance is every other word. And while I think we sometimes end up tolerating the wrong things, same sex couples are not one of them. Let people be who they are. Let them love. I may not understand what it feels like to be a gay person, but I am quite aware of what it means to be in love. And in the end, love should trump all.

Marriage is a word. Let everyone of legal age and principle take part. It sure makes a lot more sense than rallying against a human emotion that people can’t control.

*For the record, I am not gay and have never had any doubts concerning my sexuality. In fact, to be truthful, I don’t have many gay friends. It has nothing to with their life style, it’s just how things turned out. If I were gay, however, I would hope I would be allowed the same liberties of any other heterosexual couple.

A Somber Saturday

September 12, 2010

As everyone pretty much knows, today was the anniversary of the September 11th attacks which put a hole in the Manhattan skyline, a gash into the Pentagon, and a quiet field into a war scene.

It’s been 9 years since that horrific day, but everyone I know can clearly remember where they were and what they were doing when they first heard that an aircraft slammed into the North Tower. And everything following first hearing of this event has been kept in vivid memory, in an almost surreal dream state.

Following these attacks, this nation was united as I, in my young life, had never seen. People were helping any way they could. Everyone was a brother. We stood united as a nation. United as a people who knew that no amount of evil could make us abandon our values and our ideals.

Since then we’ve changed. We’re no longer those people who are standing hand in hand. Holding fast to those very values that held us together when it felt like we were falling apart.

Which is why I think it is very important for us to always commemorate that beautiful September day that turned into the darkest day in our nation’s history. It is important for us to remember those murdered on that day, for simply living their life. To remember those who rushed into those burning buildings fully knowing that they may never make it out. To remember all of the men and woman who perished while taking a trip in an airplane.

And we must remember how we came together as a country. In the face of pure evil and pure hate, we became strong. Standing hand in hand as Americans we showed the world that we wouldn’t fall apart when catostrophe struck. That we wouldn’t bend when evil roared it’s ugly head. That we would press on. That through our struggle, we would grow stronger.

Never forget.

Why do I sometimes get confused when I read your blog, Keith?

September 7, 2010

Because you’re trying too hard to find something clever in my ramblings, friend.

Really though, if you happen to read this you’ll probably notice that at times my English isn’t quite up to par. Or, not up to the Scholastic standard. I’m positive I have mispelled words, and possibly even used certain words incorrectly (though I can’t think of an instance off the top of my head). At times, I may even seem like I’m just putting words in places they don’t belong. I blame this due to the fact that when I write on here I’m writing from a stream of consciousness. For better or for worse, it’s just how I try to keep honest. Even if it makes things jagged and disjointed.

I should probably get an editor if I ever plan to submit one of the things I write for publication. I tend to just go with it whenever I get an idea and because of that fact I leave grammar ruined in my wake (especially when it comes to ‘to’ and ‘too’).

So excuse my mistakes. I don’t mind them and you shouldn’t either.